Gentle Parenting Your Teenager

Gentle parenting, with its focus on empathy, respect and communication offers parents an excellent framework for guiding teens (and children of all ages) through childhood and young adulthood. 

Being a teen isn’t easy, nor is juggling three kids in my case!

Hormones, friendship issues, growing into an adult but yet being one, can make for a confusing time for teens. I can still remember how tumultuous and confusing that time was for me. 

My eldest turned 14 recently so I’ve been trying out various strategies to improve my empathy and communication with him whilst also learning the most effective ways to boost his confidence.

Below I share what’s helping us and also tips I picked up in my work as a teacher and lecturer.  I hope you find them useful.

Understanding the teenage brain

Firstly, it’s crucial to accept the biological transformations your teenager is undergoing. The teenage brain is still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and understanding consequences making life frequently challenging for teens. Fostering patience is key and noting some of their often baffling behaviour is not entirely within their control. Acknowledging this can help you approach situations with greater awareness and a sense of calm that is vital when it comes to gentle parenting.

 

Establishing open communication

Open communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship with your teen so get talking! Encourage honest and judgment-free conversations by being an active listener and also sharing your own experiences as a teenager so your child can connect with the younger version of you.

A teen who feels acknowledged and respected is also more likely to open up to you. Ask open-ended questions to invite them to share more about their lives. Remember, the goal is not to lecture at all times but to understand and guide them.

Show your teen that you value their views and feelings by asking their opinions and allowing them to lead at times and become more independent.  I often give my teen the opportunity to decide on what activities we should do on the weekend together be it where to shop or eat, so he can feel important and trusted. It’s also a confidence boost for him! By fostering an environment where your teen feel safe to express themselves and have some agency over their decisions helps you to lay the groundwork for the ultimate goal: mutual respect.

 

Support your teen with their problems

Being there for your teen when they’re going through issues in life, advocating, supporting and of course loving them unconditionally is the key to a strong relationship.  If they’re struggling with teenage acne, for example, helping them to get the acne treatments they might need and being there to listen to them if they’re feeling self-conscious. If they’re stressed out by exams or homework, then make sure you let them know you’re there for them and then follow up with action, helping where possible. Rustle up their favourite food for dinner and watch those boxsets they love together so they can wind down and have a break in between the studying! If they don’t want direct support from you with their issues, don’t be offended, sometimes speaking to someone neutral can be a huge help. Arranging for them to access counselling sessions for example can be a useful way for teens to work through problems with someone outside of their family can help replace their internal negative voice with a caring therapist’s.

 

Setting boundaries with empathy

Setting boundaries is essential, but the manner in which you do so can significantly impact your teenager’s response. Instead of imposing rules in an authoritarian manner, involve them in the conversation. Discuss the reasons behind the boundaries and listen to their input. This collaborative approach not only makes them feel respected and valued but also helps them understand the importance of rules and the consequences of their actions.

 

Respecting their independence

As teenagers seek more independence, it’s natural for parents to worry. However, allowing them some freedom is crucial for their development into responsible adults. Show trust in their decision-making capabilities, and resist the urge to micromanage. This trust, though challenging to give, is a powerful form of respect that encourages your teenager to act responsibly. I still remember the fear of letting my son walk home the five minute stroll from school as if it was yesterday. Those five minutes felt like an hour but I’m so glad I let him because he’s become a mature young man I can trust.

 

Dealing with conflict

Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to damage your relationship. Approach conflicts with a mindset of finding a solution together rather than winning an argument. Not easy I know. Try and keep your emotions in check and model the calm, respectful communication you wish to see from them back. This approach not only resolves the immediate issue but also teaches valuable conflict-resolution skills. Problem-solving is a vital life skill.

 

Boosting their confidence

In the maze of adolescence, teenagers often grapple with self-esteem and confidence issues. Your support can be a beacon of light in this phase. Celebrate their achievements, no matter how small, and provide constructive feedback instead of criticism. Encourage them to pursue their interests and passions, and be their biggest cheerleader. When they make mistakes, focus on the learning opportunity rather than the error itself. By showing belief in their abilities and worth, you bolster their confidence, which is essential for navigating the challenges of teenage years and beyond.

 

Encouraging empathy and emotional intelligence

Empathy and emotional intelligence are important life skills. By modelling these behaviours in your interactions with your teens and others sets the best example. Discuss emotions openly, acknowledging both positive and negative feelings and don’t be afraid to show your own emotions in front of your teens. We’re all human. We cry, laugh, feel annoyed and envious at times in our lives. Practicing self awareness but being honest about your own flaws will be reassuring to your teen. Encourage your teenager to consider the perspectives and feelings of others, fostering a sense of empathy.

 

Common mental health problems in teenagers

Teenagers can face a range of mental health problems as they navigate the complex transition from childhood to adulthood. Common issues include anxiety disorders which may manifest as generalised anxiety, panic attacks, or specific phobias, often triggered by the pressures of school, social situations, and planning for the future. Depression is another prevalent concern, characterised by persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities and feelings of hopelessness which can significantly impair a teenager’s ability to function and enjoy life.

Eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are also common among teens driven by body image concerns, societal pressures, and issues of control.

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), though typically diagnosed in childhood can continue to affect teens, impacting their academic performance and social interactions. Substance abuse, including the use of alcohol, tobacco and drugs is a significant mental health concern too, often used by teenagers as a coping mechanism for stress or peer pressure. The rise of social media and digital communication has introduced unique challenges including cyberbullying and social isolation contributing to increased rates of anxiety and depression among teenagers.

It’s crucial for parents, educators, and health professionals to recognise the signs of these mental health issues and provide the necessary support and interventions to help teens navigate these challenges successfully. Please see your GP and/or the school your teen attends with any relevant concerns.

 

Why teenagers can struggle with communication

Teenagers may struggle with communication due to a combination of developmental, psychological, and environmental factors that uniquely affect this age group. During adolescence, individuals undergo significant brain development, particularly in relation to decision-making, impulse control and emotional regulation. This ongoing brain development can lead to heightened emotional responses and difficulty articulating feelings or needs effectively. Moreover, the search for identity and independence during these years often puts teenagers at odds with authority figures, potentially leading to communication breakdowns as they navigate conflicting desires for autonomy and guidance.

Psychologically, teenagers are at a stage where peer acceptance becomes paramount, leading to insecurities and a heightened sensitivity to social cues and judgments. This intense focus on peer relationships can make them more susceptible to peer pressure, affecting their communication styles and willingness to express dissenting opinions or feelings. The fear of judgment or rejection can prevent open and honest communication, not only with peers but also with adults.

Environmental factors, such as family dynamics and exposure to digital communication through social media also play a significant role. Teens raised in environments where open communication is not practiced may lack the models necessary for healthy communication skills. Additionally, the prevalence of digital communication reduces opportunities for face-to-face interactions, limiting the development of essential non-verbal communication skills. This digital milieu can foster misunderstandings and a reluctance to engage in more nuanced, direct conversations. Despite these challenges, while significant, they also present opportunities for growth and learning as teens navigate their way towards adulthood.

Parenting a teenager through gentle parenting is focused on guiding teens with a respectful, understanding hand rather than steering them with force.  It’s about building a relationship based on mutual respect, open communication and empathy.

I know it can be challenging so we need to give ourselves as parents, grace (I find my teen is similar to my toddler in many ways) but the rewards are plentiful as we witness our children grow, adapt and evolve into happy humans.

I’d love to read your tips in the comments.