When Does Life Get Easier with 3 Kids?

When Does Life Get Easier with 3 Kids?

I would often Google this daunting question in that first year postpartum. Blurry-eyed and sleep-deprived, I spent most of my pregnancy with my third baby consumed with anxiety due to a previous missed miscarriage, which set the tone for post-partum exacerbated by a traumatic end of third trimester and birth experience. Having my third baby, in many ways, felt suprisingly more chaotic and unknown than going from none to one which was hardly a walk in the park for me! With a big age gap between kids, I’d forgotten so much about the baby years. Mother Nature does this on purpose so you’ll keep procreating for as long as you can, I reckon!

For balance, I have friends who found motherhood a fairly straightforward baptism of fire, their babies slept easily and they lived close to a village of helpful family and friends. That wasn’t how my first or third-time motherhood journey panned out and whilst it took a long time to come to terms with how I felt emotionally, I feel I’m out the other side now, having regular therapy and living close to my folks, brother, nephew and niece. Motherhood was never meant to be a one woman job!

If you’re new here, I’ll share some insight into my motherhood journey to date.

I lived in London when my husband Peter and I had our first son, Oliver, now 15. I was the first from my group of friends to have a baby, and far younger at just 28 by the time he was born, 27 when I was pregnant, than anyone else I’d met in my area of Barnes, going on the NCT group and other local baby groups.

I felt isolated, lonely and bored for a lot of the time, without any structure to my day or close friends to hang out with. New friendships are draining, especially when you’ve just had a baby and confidence and energy reserves are low.

I loved my son so much it hurt but equally I was also hurting deeply, emotionally and physically after an emergency c-section. I was convinced during that time that I would always feel traumatised.

Therapy helped hugely as did a move close to family, so that by the time my second son, Alexander, was born, via a tranquil elective, I was firmly in the swing of motherhood and felt at peace and content. It undoubtedly helped that my second son was a calm baby who slept through the night from 6 weeks old and that I now hjad a flexible career working online on my blog and social channels. I was a TV director before I had my first son, a career that I quickly discovered was impossible once he was born. Inflexible, long hours and too demanding to juggle around raising babies, a big part of feeling loss was the grief I experienced in no longer working in a job I’d studied and worked so hard to progress in.

There are of course, many variables when it comes to how one might feel after having children which are dependent on your pregnancy, birth, the support available to you, and the health and wellbeing of your baby too but we will all experience hormonal and chemical changes and will require a transitional period so we can adapt to our new life.

My first child suffered with acute colic and could cry for up to 6 hours straight. I lived in A & E. Many days were unbearably hard.

When it came to my third child, our circumstances changed again, we had moved from Leeds to Windsor in Berkshire by that point (we were there for over 5 years), I had suffered a devastating miscarriage three months before becoming pregnant again with my rainbow baby, a daughter, Florence, and the changes I was experiencing in terms of being spread as thinly as butter between the needs of three children of different ages, 11, 9 and a newborn respectively, when my daughter arrived, was far from thriving by any stretch of the imagination, and all about surviving and keeping my kids alive!

Yes, there was deep, all-consuming joy and so much love between us all, but the mental and physical load of three children: the endless cooking, cleaning, the never-ending school and life admin, coupled with trying to keep my online business going, was utterly overwhelming most days.

But back to the question in hand. When did life finally feel easier? In all honesty, when we relocated back to Leeds for the second time, life became more bearable and then it became more fun!  The real turning point came when my daughter turned 2 years old. I felt more myself, Florence was finally sleeping better and we had all gotten into a groove. The boys were older and more independent so able to help with extra chores and take on more responsibility (e.g. helping Florence at meal times), and my folks were helping regularly with childcare. I’d learnt to say ‘no’ with far less guilt, and incorporating more regular opportunities for self-care even if that simply meant taking a nightly bath with essential oils to help me unwind, whilst everyone slept. I also, tentatively returned to pursuits which nourished me like reading novels again which fittingly felt so novel after not having time once Florence was born, as well as painting, my first love. I even took on a 6 week oil paiting course to refresh my skills on a Monday afternoon!

There were always many positives but those were easier to see now the sleep-deprivation wasn’t clouding my judgement and mood: my kids’ bond has always been magical, Florence unifies us in ways we could not have imagined and completes our family. My older boys’ childhood is extended as they can access more child-friendly spaces and for longer, with their sister, such as parks and play areas, and now that they’re more mature at 15 and 12, as is Florence (she’s going on 13 at 3) days out are more enjoyable, especially when it comes to the warmer months as we’re an outdoorsy family and travelling is less stressful and suprisingly the kids agree on similar activities whether that’s wondering around the Yorkshire Sculpture Park, hitting art galleries, shopping in thrift and vintage stores, or going out for dinner!

See, life does get easier!

Please remember you really are rebuilding yourself after children, bit by bit like the Japanese art of kintsugi where the cracks of broken pieces of pottery are coated with gold, the end result being stronger, more resilient and far more beautiful for their imperfections.

Many friends far from family also cite age 2 or 3 of their last child as being a turning point, catalyst for the family dynamic changing for the better.

In the UK there are childcare subsidisation schemes, from the age of 2 (means tested) and from 3, everyone is entitled to a minimum of 15 hours of childcare support which massively contributes to this. If only it started at 9 months!

I hope this is helpful. Three is the magic number, it just takes a couple of years to find your stride, sending love and please know my emails and DMs are always open. If you’re worried about anxiety or depression, please speak to your GP. Check out the NHS website for more info too.