Hot on the yummy mummy Jimmy Choo heels (make that Uggs) of Skills Babies Give You-They’re Good Like That comes unsolicited toddler skills you acquire the minute those babies turn into freaking, speaking, tantrumming toddler children. Oh joy!
1. Once crawling starts, your life and home changes DRAMATICALLY-suddenly you miraculously grow eyes in the back of your head like some Super Mummy Wonder Woman anticipating/preventing/urging your toddler not to knock, break or hurt themselves and their surroundings. Tiring is not the word. Thank heavens for a good night’s sleep…Oh wait.
2.You can share a bed with a toddler, teething baby and tired husband and all sleep soundly…for sometimes up to two whopping hours at a time. You then proceed to order a queen-size bed, vow to re read everything Gina Ford has ever written then watch the Kardashians instead.
3. Blaming any swear words repeated by small children on passing strangers or *cough builders (read my post The F Word) because we all know Mummies never swear (unless they’ve had no sleep and the queen-size bed still hasn’t arrived from IKEA yet).
4. Neanderthal toddlers seeking independence can scream the supermarket down all they like but the lady (who’s forgotten she was once a baby) tutting over the soft cheese will not break you. Oh no, bring it lady in Waitrose. OK it might not break you NOW-3 years on (yep tantrums still happen at 3 and probably 4 and beyond-I know when PMT shows it’s pretty face, I tantrum to this day) but by the time you’ve reached your 100th quota of tantrums, believe me those looks, tuts and sighs can’t touch you. Ner nana ner na!
5. Sharing a bath successfully with little people and their millions of bath toys deserves high praise indeed. Now if only my kids would lay off my luxury bath oils and stick to their baby bubbles, I’ll put up with their plastic bobbing, dirty water spraying farm animals at bath time.
Bonus (silent) track. I can now differentiate between a digger, truck, lorry, forklift, tractor, with trailer, without trailer (people of the world, don’t invent more machinery-my brain might explode) to match any farmer/3 year old tractor obsessive boy or girl, out there. Can you feel my pride?