Funny Things My Kid Says

Oliver cracks me up daily. Sometimes I wish I was writing a crazy children’s TV series instead of a comedy about warring kebab shop owners…I’d have a lot of material from Mr Comedian I can tell you. Enjoys innit!

Agh, the funny things my kids says:

…Driving to the city centre today, Oliver yelps “I need a wee wee, Mama, stop the car, stop the car”. Joyous. We’re near my old sixth form college so I decide that him urinating by a nearby tree might be a good plan (sorry sixth form college but you’re catholic so you’ll forgive us right)…Out we pop (literally) and as he tinkles, I start making small talk,  pointing to the various buildings informing him, “Look Oliver, that’s where I used to study when I was 16 years old, you know, when I was younger, erm a lot younger…” then pointing to the courtyard, “That’s where I used to hang out Oliver you know trying to be cool” …the toddler, pulling up his trousers and clearly not wanting to feel left out, then points to a nearby building and states, “That’s where I used to hang out Mama, when I was younger, 35 years younger”. Aw bless.

Driving back from town, Spiderman advent calendar in hand, the kid starts munching through the whole month. Yup. I did explain only one chocolate a day but he’s only 2 and 10 months so moderation isn’t top of his priorities. As he chomps through yet another chocolate shaped elephant (not sure the correlation to Spiderman but Marvel obviously didn’t think this one through) the husband turns around and tells Oliver to stop eating so many because he’s going to be sick. “But I love this chocolate Daddy, I’m going to keep eating”. “OK son shall I get you a bucket to be sick in then? “Oh yes please Daddy”. I give up.

Post night out I put on my favourite, ‘go to when I’m tired-slash- on set all day- slash- just having a Mc Chillin’ day’ Juicy Couture tracksuit and dare I type it out loud- Uggs. The kid takes one look at me when I come down the stairs and asks in a concerned tone, “What are you wearing Mama?” I know, I know, Mama’s having a fashionista off day kid, deal with it.

Lost one day, I tell the husband the Sat Nav’s broken. He instructs me to google it on his phone. Days later, I (white) lie I can’t find the toyshop in town to which Oliver replies, “Googles it Mama”. Send help. Quickly.

Daddy and Oliver were discussing the most important topic of the day. No, not the Middle East crisis but what to get Mama for Christmas. Daddy asked Oliver what he thought I’d like, “Oh Mama love diamonds Daddy”. Oh yes son, Mama loves diamonds, good work. Daddy said he’s not sure about that as Mama has been spoilt this year already to which Oliver replied, “But you can just ask Santa Daddy”. Damn right Daddy…just ask Santa…I’m sure I saw one in Debenhams when we walked past earlier…

So what crazy shizzle have your kids been spouting?

Photograph © Peter Broadbent.