waves

It was my birthday yesterday: a truly magical day spent at the achingly beautiful Cliveden House Spa with my friend Charlotte, where I had the chance to decompress and chill out after what has been a heartbreaking few months with the loss of my auntie Zak.

Even writing that sentence doesn’t feel real.

Not now, and I’m not sure, ever.

Grief comes like waves. Sometimes I feel I can steer the ship OK and other times, I’m lost at sea and literally can’t stop crying.

Last night was one of those nights.

After a peaceful day, (where I of course thought of my aunt lots-I don’t ever, not) to returning home and breaking down in tears at every little thing.

When the kids went to bed, I sat up chatting to my husband, Peter, who has flu at the moment, and openly talked to him about how I was feeling and I cried it out.

The night before saw me experience the worst night terror of my life but thankfully coupled with the relaxing day and opening up to my husband, I managed to sleep through. No waking. No terrors. No anxiety.

I’ve cried many tears over the loss of my auntie. I feel she was stolen too soon. I miss speaking to her, her naughty laugh, the way she lit up a room, and how much of a rock she was to everyone. I can’t accept she’s gone. Not now, no doubt, not ever, but I need to accept that I don’t need to put on a brave face. That I can’t fight the tears. That talking is the answer.

I keep crying at everything at the moment: children in assembly receiving certificates (not even my own kids), the news, happy stories, sad stories, writing this blog post, over a broken bl**dy nail…I feel delicate and emotional but I know there’s nothing wrong with that.

So, I’m just going to cry it out. Even if I never stop.

If you’re feeling upset, please reach out, speak up and know you’re not alone x

 

 

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4 Responses

  1. Nellie Pom Poms

    It’s ok to talk about it. Earlier this year I finished bereavement counselling following the death of my best friend. The counselling dragged up grief from when I was 9 that had never been discussed. It was so hard but it helped. I found writing also helped and in sharing my breakdown others admitted they needed someone to talk to.

    Reply
  2. Sam

    Lots of hugs to you. It really sounds like you are feeling pain. Cry it out, talk, do all the things that you need to do to help you heal. Lots of love. You’re so inspirational. xx

    Reply

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