It’s Time To Talk About Where Babies Come From-The Modern Way

It’s Time To Talk About Where Babies Come From-The Modern Way

Rachel HS Ginocchio holds a Master’s Degree in Public Health (MPH) from the University of Washington, and has been working in the field of reproductive health and sexual health education for over a dozen years. Most recently, she founded Roads to Family, through which she writes, teaches and speaks about human reproduction and family formation. Her book Roads to Family: All the Ways We Come to Be (Lerner Publishing Group) is written for youth, families and classrooms. It explains all the ways humans reproduce (with and without assistance) and explores the complexity of what it means to be family. You can find out more about Rachel and her work, and access free educational materials at www.roadstofamily.com.

 

When a child looks up and asks, ‘Where do babies come from?’ we can’t keep stammering out the same old answer we always have been. With modern advances in reproduction (insemination, IVF, donor conception and surrogacy) and traditional and non-traditional family structures, it is time to modernize the explanation. In this blog, author/educator Rachel Ginocchio, MPH, guides us in discussing human reproduction with our kids – no matter how they came to be in this world, or how they came to be part of their family. It is a pleasure to share her approach to discussing where babies come from-the modern way with this guest post below! Over to Rachel…

 

The approach:

The key to teaching our kids complex, emotionally-charged topics, is to break the information down into small bite-sized pieces. Then build on those nuggets as they grow and develop the capacity to understand. Gone are the days of sitting our kids down and having the dreaded ‘talk.’ Instead, we want to answer their questions and seize on teachable moments as they arise. 

Parents often want to know what’s appropriate at what age. Here’s the bottom line. Your child’s curiosity will drive the questions they are asking; so if they are curious about something, it’s age-appropriate. But that doesn’t mean any and all answers are age-appropriate. Sometimes our kids are asking for information, sometimes they just want to know if their thoughts, feelings, and bodies are normal, sometimes they want to know what’s right and wrong, and sometimes they are just pushing our buttons. Age-appropriateness is not about what they’re asking, it’s about how you are answering! 

Here’s an approach you can use and hone over time. No matter what they ask, with a calm, lighthearted demeanor, validate: ‘I am so glad you asked!’ (Not, ‘where the hell did you hear that?’ Or, ‘I’m gonna punish the low-life scum that told you that’). Next, give a brief (three or four sentences max), straightforward answer. Then zip it for at least 15 seconds. Give them time to ask a follow-up question. If they don’t, check in with them:  ‘Did that answer your question?’ because sometimes we think they are asking one thing, but they are really asking something else. End with another validation: ‘I love you’ or ‘isn’t the human body amazing?’

If your child isn’t asking a whole lot of questions – not all kids do – seize upon ‘teachable moments.’ Once you tune your ears to them, you’ll start to pick up on teachable moments while your kid is watching a movie, reading a book, playing a video game, listening to music, or just hanging out with a friend. One of my favorite teachable moments came when my daughter was about six. She used to form families with her Barbie dolls – usually two of the dolls were the mommies and the rest were the kids. 

 

Me: ‘Hey. I was wondering how those kids came to be part of Barbies’ family?’

Daughter: ‘What do you mean?’

Me: ‘Well, since there are two moms in that family, I’m curious how they made their family.’

At this point my daughter still wasn’t quite sure where I was going with this. But since she didn’t shrug or turn away (which would have signaled she was done and I should stop), I kept going. 

Me: ‘Did they adopt, are they fostering, or did they have a sperm donor?’

 

OK – to be honest, in my family this wasn’t really anything new. But in most normal families, this brief interaction [aka teachable moment) would have provided a great opportunity to discuss three different ways that kids come to be part of their families. 

You can always follow-up questions and teachable moments with books and other resources. But don’t keep coming back to the topic over and over again in a short period of time. Kids don’t want to feel ambushed. 

 

Where do babies come from?

Keep these approaches in mind, when you are ready to teach your child about human reproduction and family formation. 

In the following primer on explaining where babies come from, I draw on my expertise as a sexual health educator and as a mom via international adoption and IVF. I also come from a three generation family created through foster care and adoption. In addition to my own experiences, I bring in the wisdom of experts and over two dozen families who shared their insights with me for my recently published book (Lerner Publishing Group) “Roads to Family: All the Ways We Come to be.” 

Let me begin by sharing the insights of one of my favorite sexual health educators and writers, Deborah Roffman. First and foremost, she reminds us that when kids ask about sex and pregnancy, they are not asking about adult sexual behavior!

Here are Deborah’s thoughts on where kids are at developmentally when they ask about their origins, and my example responses.  

• Deborah: When a 4-year-old asks, ‘Where did I come from?’ they aren’t interested in learning about sex, pregnancy and birth. They are interested in location and time.
  Rachel: A simple answer is ‘You grew in a part of the body called the uterus.’ If they make a fist and place it on their tummy below their belly button, they can imagine where the uterus is inside a female body. 
• Deborah: When a 5-year-old asks, ‘How did I get out of there?’ it’s because they’re newly obsessed with movement through time and space.
  Rachel: A simple answer is that when babies are ready to be born, the uterus contracts and squeezes the baby out of the body, through the vagina. Other babies are lifted out of the uterus by a surgeon, through an incision in the tummy.  
• Deborah: When a 6-year-old asks ‘How did I get in there in the first place?’ they are now ready to understand the science of reproduction.
  Rachel: Let’s go there! 

 

Here’s a bird’s eye view of what a six year-old (or a bit younger or older, depending on the kid) is likely ready for. You can use simple language or scientific concepts:

It takes three ingredients to make a baby: a sperm cell, an egg cell, and a uterus. After an egg cell and a sperm cell join together [fertilization], they create an embryo. When an embryo attaches [implants] to the uterus, and continues to grow for about nine months [gestation], a baby is ready to be born. A lot has to happen for this whole process to work, but when it does, we can welcome a new baby into the world. 

 

The baby-making ingredients

Some parents don’t love using words like sperm and egg cells, and use analogies like ‘planting seeds.’ There is no harm in this, though it’s important to recognize that it is usually about the adult’s discomfort, not the kids’! Most children don’t really become embarrassed about this stuff until upper elementary school. Ah, the joys of puberty!

I like to explain it like this: ‘We have eyeball cells and hair cells and and cells that make up our belly button. We also have cells that make new humans – these are called egg and sperm cells.’ Shawn is another mom that used the proper names for body parts right off the bat. As she explains, ‘Start how you want to finish. There is no reason to make up names and then have to retell the whole story again with different words.’

Where do baby-making ingredients come from?

We have lots of systems in our body. We have a digestive system that breaks down food into nutrients our body needs to grow. We have a neurological system that enables us to think, speak and talk. Our reproductive systems make and store egg and sperm cells and transport them to where they need to go to make a baby. 

It’s helpful to show your kids illustrations of human anatomy. 

 

Female Reproductive System

 

Male Reproductive System

For additional free illustrations visit: www.roadstofamily.com.

 

Point to the testicles as the organ that produces sperm. Point to the ovaries as the place where eggs are made. We designed these illustrations like a maze –  you and your child can trace the path that the egg and the sperm take when they are sent on their way to make a baby. 

If you don’t feel like your child is ready for these illustrations, have fun drawing some simple graphics! 

Credit: Rachel Ginocchio in Canva.

With my fourth grade classes, we sometimes use M&M’s and goldfish crackers to ‘draw’ anatomy on a table, and to talk about the body parts and their function. Some kids think it’s hilarious and some will never eat another cracker again. You know your kid! 

 

Baby-making ingredients can come from a variety of different people. 

Sometimes parents are the ones that provide the sperm and egg cells. If a child is adopted or grew up in foster care, is being raised in a blended or extended family, it’s likely their birth or first parents that provided the egg and/or sperm cells.

Other times a donor does. A donor is someone who gives their sperm or egg cells to someone else, so they can create a baby. A donor can be a friend, neighbor, relative or an acquaintance. Other parents find donors on the Internet or through a sperm or egg bank [cryobank]. The important thing to keep in mind is that sometimes kids have a relationship with their donor and other times they don’t know them at all.

This is how Ruth explained what a donor is to her four-year old daughter, Kianni. ‘The doctor showed me a bunch of different seeds. I picked out a very special one and the doctor planted it in Mommy’s tummy. That grew into a baby.’ As Kianni got older, her mom elaborated that ‘the special seed that created you came from a man–an actual person with a name.’ 

It took Alexander until he was about eight to really get the whole donor thing, which is how he was conceived. ‘Now when people ask, I explain that a donor-dad is someone who helps a mother have a baby.’ Or as eight year-old Jackie explained to her friends over pizza one night, ‘My mom went to a bank. Like a regular bank, but for sperm instead of money.’ Needless to say, your job is to give your kids foundational information, and they will develop their own vocabulary to describe egg, sperm [and embryo] donors. When you hear them, you can course correct (or not, if what they say is charmingly funny, as it often is), make sure they are being respectful, and help shape their vocabulary as they explore what words feel right to them. 

The uterus is where an embryo develops into a baby. Sometimes this happens in the mother’s uterus (including birth and first mothers in many families) and sometimes gestation takes place in a surrogate’s uterus. A surrogate is someone who gives birth to a baby for someone else. 

When your child is ready, you can layer on some additional details. There are two types of surrogates. A genetic surrogate plays two roles. They are an egg donor and they grow the baby in their uterus. [Since half our DNA comes from the sperm cell that creates us and half from the egg cell that creates us, a genetic surrogate is genetically related to the child]. A gestational surrogate [gestational carrier] is someone who provides only the uterus – not the egg. [The gestational surrogate and the baby are not genetically related]

 

How do the baby-making ingredients work together to form a pregnancy? 

Food for thought! It is actually easier if you start the conversation with IVF. There isn’t any hanky-panky involved, so it can be helpful to begin with the science and then get to the more intimate ways of joining gametes. But you may also want to first introduce the way your child came into the world and then bring up other means of reproduction at a later time. 

Sex: Sex can mean a lot of different things to different people, but we’re going to talk about the type of sex that can make a new human. When a female and male bring their naked bodies super close, they can guide the penis into the vagina. If your child asks, or if they are old enough, you can explain that the penis has to be hard for this to work [erection].

The movement of their bodies causes sperm to travel through the sperm transport system, out the tip of the penis [ejaculation], and into the other person’s vagina. From there, the sperm travel through the egg and baby transport system in search of an egg. If an egg has left an ovary, which happens automatically about once a month [ovulation], the sperm and egg can join together [fertilization]. If they do, they can form an embryo that can develop into a baby [gestation] ready to be born in about nine months. 

Pause here. Let it soak in. Check in with your child. How are they feeling? If they are grossed out, that is not a bad thing! You can explain that sex is adult behavior that they will not be engaging in for a very long time, so that it makes sense that it sounds yucky to them.  

They are likely to come back in an hour, or in a few hours, or another day. It’s common for youth to put two-and-two together. As Dave and Silke recall, after they explained sex to their daughter, she looked at them wide-eyed and asked, ‘So you two did that?’ When her parents nodded, she about faced and walked away. They knew that in their daughter’s mind, she accepted that they had done that once – to have her. They let it go, knowing that one day she’d figure out the bigger picture! 

Give your child some books to look at on their own time. Let them know that if they have more questions, they can come to you anytime. Let some time pass, check in every now and then to see if they have questions, and look for some teachable moments. But your kids don’t want you to bring the topic up over and over again. Build on the concepts consistently, but over time.  

 

Insemination

There are other ways to make a baby. Insemination and in vitro fertilization (IVF) are necessary for lots of families, like single-parents and same sex couples and those dealing with infertility – people who try to make a baby with sex, but aren’t able to. 

With insemination, sperm is not released [ejaculated] into the vagina like it is with sex, it is released into a cup. The sperm is then suctioned out of the container [usually with a needless syringe] and released into the egg and baby transport system. Once inside the body, sperm swim in search of an egg, just like they do with sex. If the sperm and egg join together [fertilization], and the embryo implants and develops for nine months [gestation], a baby is ready to come into the world. 

In Vitro-Fertilization (IVF)

With IVF, sperm are released [ejaculated] into a container, just like with insemination. A surgeon removes eggs from the ovaries and places them in another container called a petri dish. Sometimes sperm are added to the petri dish with the eggs, and the sperm swim around until they find an egg to join with [fertilization]. Other times, a single sperm is plucked from the container and injected directly into an egg. After the sperm and egg join together [fertilization], they are left to develop in the petri dish for a few days. A healthy embryo is then selected and placed into the uterus. The embryo can attach [implant] and has nine months to get ready for the world [gestation].

What does it all mean?

The bottom line is that sometimes the people who provide the ingredients to create a child are not the same people who are currently raising the child. This is true for single-parents, same-sex parents, and blended, extended, cohabitating, adoptive, foster and chosen families – just to name a few. It is also true for families who use donor conception and surrogacy to grow their families. Families use different names for all the people that play a role in creating and raising children. It’s up to each family to decide who is in their family and what to call them.

As Shawn explains to six year-old Alexander, ‘Creating a baby requires an egg from a woman and a sperm from a man. Mommy and Daddy couldn’t do that, so they needed help. Sometimes the people who give the sperm and the egg are related to you and sometimes they are not.’

We know from much research, essays and personal accounts that people want to know their origin stories from the get go. They don’t want a big reveal or an ‘ah ha moment’ when their parents tell them the truth. They want to grow up never remembering a time when they were told. Kianni, a donor conceived young adult advises, ‘If you allow them that information, it creates a solid foundation from which they can build their self-identity and self worth. It lets them be confident in who they are.’

 

What will your approach be?

Think about your own experience learning about puberty and reproduction. What went well and what didn’t, and how do you want this experience to be different for your kids? Time and time again, teens tell us that what helps them the most in dealing with all the complicated things going on in their lives (e.g., friendships) is having a supportive adult they are comfortable talking to. It’s never too early or too late to be that adult. But if you start when they are young, you will have lots of time to make mistakes and get better at it! And keep in mind, you really do want your kids to learn about sex and pregnancy before they learn it from the media (Internet, advertising, video games, TikTok, etc.) or their friends. When you talk to your kids, you get to impart them with facts and you get to share your values with them. 

Warm up Exercise

You can do this! 

Here is a fun warm-up activity to get you comfortable with some anatomy vocabulary. It’s a two-minute sing-along from Apple TV’s Shmigadoon – the scene when Cecily Strong explains where babies come from. 

Here’s an age-by-age guide from Parents on when to talk to your kids.

 

Where to get more information: 

Roads to Family: All the Ways We Come to Be (Lerner Publishing Group), uses real life stories to explain the science of human reproduction and to explore what it means to shape, find and be family. It’s written for middle and high school students, families, and classrooms and is available through Amazon, Amazon UK, or wherever books are sold.

In addition to the book, I received a grant from the Oregon Department of Education to create free illustrations, lessons, discussion prompts, and educator guides. These can be found at my website: www.roadstofamily.com.

You can also follow me on social @roadstofamily.

 

Thank you Rachel for an informative and constructive guide to discussing where babies come from-in a modern way- with children.