Claire rehearsed it on the school run, in the lift and in the shower. She was a senior designer with a team of five and a reputation for being unflappable. She was also, privately, drinking more than she wanted to and sleeping badly, and she’d decided that the only way to stop it was to get proper help. That meant she would need some flexibility at work. That meant talking to her manager.
Every version she practised started the same way: “So, I need to tell you something.” Every version ended with her imagining her manager’s face.
If you’ve ever put off a conversation with your boss because you didn’t know how to start, or how much to say, or what might happen afterwards, this one’s for you. It’s about the conversation itself: how to prepare it, how to keep it focused, and how to protect your privacy while still getting what you need.
You Don’t Have to Share Everything
The first thing to settle is how much you want to share. Australia’s Healthdirect service, in its guidance on talking about mental health concerns, says that when you speak to an employer you should “share only the details that you are comfortable with.” It also suggests starting with your manager, human resources or your union, choosing the right time and place, and having a plan in case the conversation becomes uncomfortable or upsetting.
That’s a useful reminder. You can be clear about what you need without handing over a full account of your history. Disclosure isn’t all-or-nothing, and it can be gradual.
Prepare Like It’s Any Other Important Meeting
A guide published by theHRDIRECTOR in 2024, written by mental health trainer Michelle Robinson Hayes of Vita Health Group, sets out a practical approach that applies well beyond its subject. Its main steps:
- Book a private meeting. A private setting creates a comfortable, confidential space, and it helps to pick a time when neither of you faces pressing deadlines
- Think about how it affects your work. Reflect on what’s driving the problem and how it’s showing up in your wellbeing and performance
- Write notes. Jotting down key points helps you organise your thoughts
- Bring ideas. Pair each problem with a possible solution, such as adjusted deadlines or delegated tasks
Preparation does two jobs at once. It calms your nerves, and it turns a frightening confession into a problem-solving conversation.
Be Specific, Not Vague
Vagueness tends to make conversations harder. The same guide contrasts “I’m feeling stressed out” with something more concrete: “I’ve been struggling with the constant tight deadlines, which is increasing my stress levels.” It also suggests mentioning how long the problem has lasted and any patterns you’ve noticed.
Its advice on how much to say is simple: stick to the facts, describe your feelings, and explain how they relate to your work. That keeps the focus on what your manager can actually do, rather than on personal detail.
What You Might Ask For
Being clear about your request helps your manager help you. The guide lists examples:
- Changes to workload, such as adjusted deadlines or delegated tasks
- Flexible start and finish times
- Temporary help from a colleague during especially busy periods
- Regular check-ins
It also suggests framing requests around both wellbeing and productivity, for example: “I think that having a more flexible schedule would allow me to manage my workload more effectively.” That isn’t spin. For most employers, a person who is supported and a person who performs well are the same person.
A Familiar Scenario: What Claire Said
Claire didn’t open with the drinking. She opened with the effect. She told her manager she’d been under strain for several months, that sleep was suffering, that it was starting to affect her focus, and that she was getting professional support. She asked for flexibility on start times for a few weeks and a check-in at the end of each one.
Her manager was quiet for a moment, then said, “Thank you for telling me. What would help most?” Claire hadn’t rehearsed that line.
If the Conversation Doesn’t Go Perfectly
Not every manager responds well the first time. Some are caught off guard and need a day to think. A few suggestions:
- Ask for a follow-up conversation instead of demanding answers on the spot
- Keep a short written note of what you agreed
- Speak to HR or your union if you’re not getting a sensible response
- Remember that you’re allowed to ask for help outside work as well, such as through an employee assistance programme if there is one
A Note on Different Countries and Rules
Employment protections vary a great deal, and so do the terms for medical leave. If you’re in the UK, the US or elsewhere, check your own contract, handbook and national guidance. For a US-based, plain-language look at the questions people commonly ask, Country Road Recovery Center in Tecumseh, Oklahoma, has a guide to job protections when drinking and work overlap. It’s a treatment provider’s article rather than legal advice, so confirm any specifics with HR or an employment lawyer.
If You Need Support Now
If you’re struggling and need to talk to someone, your doctor is a good first step. In the UK, Samaritans are free on 116 123. In the US, call or text 988. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.
The Lift, Again
Months later, Claire still remembers the lift ride up to that meeting. What she remembers most is how much smaller the conversation turned out to be than the one in her head. It took twenty minutes. It changed the next year.
Sources
- Hayes, M. R. How to talk to your manager about your mental health. theHRDIRECTOR, 12 September 2024. https://thehrdirector.com/?p=124397
- Healthdirect Australia. How to talk about your mental health concerns (last reviewed September 2024). https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/how-to-talk-about-your-mental-health-concerns
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