Why I Feel Like A Better Parent in My 40s Than My 20s and 30s

Why I Feel Like A Better Parent in My 40s Than My 20s and 30s

Motherhood has defined the majority of my adult life in all honesty. I became pregnant at 27 with my first child, Oliver, then my second, Alexander, arrived when I was 31, and my daughter, Florence was born when I was 40, 3 days before turning 41 in fact. What a birthday present!

I sadly lost a baby at the age of 39 before conceiving Florence a few months later.

Every pregnancy has been uniquely challenging but also life-affirming, forcing me to grow immeasurably.

A first baby is always a baptism of fire! It is impossible to fathom just how life will transform in every way with every day which passes with a baby in tow.

Do you remember the scene where the children in E.T. discover a cute little alien in their backyard after he’s been accidentally left on earth? That’s what first-time motherhood felt like to me. An alien baby arrives on earth, a strange but loveable little being, you bizarrely feel you’ve known all your life despite the fact you’ve only just met. Beautifully bonkers!

I always candidly say I felt so very young pregnant at 27, not because that’s a particularly young age to have a baby but because emotionally I felt wholly unprepared for motherhood. Perhaps there’s never a time you can be prepared though.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby though so found pregnancy and Maternity leave isolating and lonely for the most part. I also suffered a traumatic pregnancy and birth which took ten months or so to recover from. I didn’t feel like I fitted in with the NCT group in my area either, as the mothers were a decade or more older than me at the time. I felt directionless and bored with just baby and I all day long, and no friends or family near to connect with, after a busy and fulfilling career as a TV director.

There was no village to speak of for me in 2010 as my husband and I lived in Barnes in London, he worked in the office by day, I was at home, far from Leeds where my parents and brother lived and every day felt hard.

A move back up North, before I became pregnant with my second son, Alexander, made for an entirely different matrescence journey, thankfully. One of camaraderie and company, forsight due to experience, and vitally a calm birth, and postnatal experience.

I assumed motherhood third time round would be straight forward, following on from my previous joyful experience 8 years earlier but devastatingly ended in a what is termed a ‘missed miscarriage’ or a ‘silent miscarriage’, discovered at a second scan I underwent, around 10 weeks pregnant. A nightmare frankly followed, ending with surgery.

Luckily, I became pregnant a few months later and Florence was born early by just over 3 weeks, via emergency c-section despite being booked in for an elective.

I was incredibly unwell towards the end of the pregnancy and hospitalised, and whilst physically my pregnancy was healthy up until that point, mentally I struggled being pregnant so soon after loss.

Irrespective of these traumatic experiences, however, I do feel I’m a better mother in many ways, at 40 than I was previously. I’ve had years of therapy, healing my inner child, understanding my triggers and working through trauma which in turn has given me the gift of being my most present and calm self, I am able to exercise boundaries and protect my mental health.

I’m far more patient than I’ve ever been and knowing how fast the early years zoom by has given me clarity over what matters most. I prioritise my family over everything whilst still nurturing my creative career and keeping my business going. I’m my most balanced and content self, comfortable in my skin.

This hasn’t been an easy destination to arrive at. The initial first two years after Florence was born were more challenging than anything I’ve experienced in my life but now that we’re three years on, life is calmer, we have a routine and have found our groove. I know myself more deeply than ever, I respect myself fully and have reached the nirvana that is self love. I have a wonderful group of real friends in my life who live near and far, and family members a short drive away.

The wonderful thing about having kids in your 20s and 30s means that by 40 any subsequent children and existing children get the very best of you as you’ve grown and evolved. My teen is my best friend, my tween is my sidekick and my youngest is my baby!

We’re constantly learning on the job and like any job, the more experience we have in the role, the better we become!