Alison Middleton Timms is a clinical hypnotherapist, coach and founder of Amity-Health, working with adults, teenagers and families around anxiety, stress, emotional wellbeing and the effects of trauma. Her latest book, The Parent–Teen Divide: From Conflict to Connection – A Practical Guide to Becoming the Bridge, offers practical support for parents and carers navigating the tween and teenage years. Below she shares a piece on how you can stay connected to your tween or teen-even when they’re pulling away from you.
Parenting tweens and teenagers can be wonderful, funny, confusing and, at times, completely exhausting.
I know that both professionally, through my work with teenagers and their families, and personally, as a mum. I’ve had conversations I’ve handled well – and plenty where I’ve looked back afterwards and thought, I could have done that differently.
That’s important, because our teenagers don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to keep showing up, stay curious and repair things when they go wrong.
One line from my book, The Parent–Teen Divide, sums up so much of what I’ve learned:
“You are not trying to win the moment – you are trying to hold the bridge.”
Here are ten small shifts that can make that bridge a little stronger.
- Not every eye-roll is about you
The sigh, the shrug, the closed bedroom door – it’s very easy to take these things personally. But adolescence is partly about separating from us and becoming their own person. They can need space from us and still need us enormously. Sometimes love looks like giving them that space while quietly letting them know, I’m here when you’re ready.
- Look underneath the behaviour
What looks like laziness may be overwhelm. What looks like anger may be anxiety. What looks like “I don’t care” may actually mean “I care so much I don’t know how to handle it.” We don’t have to excuse poor behaviour, but understanding what might be driving it can completely change the way we respond.
- Sometimes, say less
When emotions are running high, more words rarely help.
This is something I see again and again in my work: a parent becomes worried, so they explain more, question more or try harder to fix things. The teenager feels more overwhelmed and retreats further. One of my favourite reminders is simply: steady first, words after.
Calm the moment before trying to solve it.
- Pick your moment
Not every important conversation needs to happen immediately. In fact, some of the best conversations with teenagers happen when we’re doing something else – driving, walking the dog, making dinner or sitting side-by-side. A formal “We need to talk” can make anyone defensive.
Sometimes tomorrow really is better than tonight.
- Don’t turn every problem into a project
This is hard when we love them. They tell us something is wrong and immediately our brains race ahead: Who do I need to call? What can we change? How can I fix this? But sometimes they don’t need a solution. They need to be heard.
Try asking: “Do you want me to listen, help you think it through, or help you do something about it?”
Their answer may surprise you.
- Ask fewer questions — but better ones
“How was school?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
Sound familiar?
Try replacing lots of questions with one that gives them somewhere to go: “What was the best bit of today?” or “Anything happen today that you want me to know about?” Then leave some space. Silence doesn’t always need filling.
- Keep the boundaries, but let them grow
Connection doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Teenagers still need boundaries, safety and guidance. But our role gradually changes from making every decision for them to helping them learn how to make decisions for themselves. That means influence increasingly becomes more powerful than control.
- Go back and repair
You will lose your patience sometimes.
So will they. Things will be said badly. Doors may slam. Nobody wins Parent of the Year every day. What matters is coming back.
A simple “That didn’t go how I wanted it to. Can we try again?” teaches something hugely valuable: relationships can survive difficult moments.
- See the teenager you actually have
We all carry hopes for our children. The grades. The university. The career. The friends. The future we imagine for them. But sometimes those hopes quietly become expectations.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our teenagers is curiosity about who they are becoming, rather than trying to steer them towards the person we imagined they might be.
- Keep knocking on the door
Not literally every five minutes – they definitely won’t thank you for that! But keep making those little bids for connection.
Offer a lift. Send the funny message. Make the hot chocolate. Ask once more how they are. Suggest the walk even though they said no last time.
They may not always show us that it matters. But often it does.
In The Parent–Teen Divide, I write:
“The connection between you and your child is not built in dramatic moments. It is built in ordinary ones.”
And perhaps that’s the most reassuring thing of all.
We don’t have to get parenting right every day. We don’t need perfect words or perfect reactions.We simply need to keep creating opportunities for connection – and to remember that even when the bridge feels a little shaky, it can always be strengthened.
What vital advice, thank you Alison, I’ll be applying these tips with my two teens!
Order my debut children's book
Greek Myths, Folktales & Legends for 9-12 year olds
Published by Scholastic. Available on Amazon
