10 Things which Differentiate you from your Non-Mummy Friends. For Better or Worse:
My great friend Carlie & I pre-kids (we actually look the same now-OK she does even if I don’t)!
1. Bags under your eyes can no longer be disguised by Touche Eclat. Currently suing Yves Saint Lauren.
2. Bath times are like no other. There’s never enough hot water as you’re usually the last one in, after baby, hubby, brother and blooming dog get washed first- and weirdly, plastic bath toys seem to appear out of nowhere, determined to ruin you supposedly relaxing experience.
3. You’re in your late 20’s/30’s and feel 60. Make that 70. If only it was a ‘Joan Collin’s 70′ with toyboy to boot!
4. You truly appreciate the compelling narratives and artistic aesthetic of all of CBeebies’ content. And you know the songs to boot. RIP all the cool girls- before- babies.
5. You suddenly receive the purest form of unconditional love there is and either a) really appreciate your parents for the first time or b) blame them for everything they did wrong and vow to better them as parents. You’ll probably fail as well.
6.You become a protective, (read- neurotic), cold virus diverting, pedantic, ocd suffering stage mum who wants little Baba to have lots of friends, be loved like no other, never disappointed and preferably in a lead starring role in the nativity play or the narrator at the very least!
7. Saturday nights usually mean sofa, take away, screaming baby, reality TV and not necessarily in that order.
8. Your main goal in life, at least for the 1st year primarily focuses on getting a full night’s sleep. Just one. One full night with no interruptions. Has proved for me, 11 months in, as an impossible, pointless goal.
9. You look in the mirror and reminisce where various body parts used to be stationed and contemplate when they’ll journey back to their home town, if ever. Good times.
10. You realise you’re amazing and ponder how clever your vagina and breasts really are-they made and might well have fed your baby. Standing ovation and Greek cheek pulls all round.*
*Non mothering women’s vaginas are as equally intelligent as those with babies.