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What Grief Has Taught Me

October 12, 2017

love

Grief is such an acute and profound sorrow, it feels like swimming out at sea, far from the shore, unsure you’ll ever make it home, again.

You simply ache for the person no longer here, to hear their voice again, to laugh once more, to kiss and hold them, to enjoy the menial you took for granted and meaningful you lived for. It’s unfathomable to think you won’t again.

That chats about reality TV or family milestones will never be shared again. I can’t accept it and I’m not sure I ever will.

I appreciate there are several stages to grief and we’re only on page 1 at present, a huge mountain awaits we must climb aware that even when we reach the top, our hearts will never heal, the loss will never be recovered.

I spoke to my Auntie Zak (whom I recently lost to a rare form of cancer), almost every day last year. Whilst she lived in Marbella and I was here, we’d speak, laugh, put the world to rights, and bouy each other up in any way we could. Zak was a rock to me when another close relative was ill.

When I think of all the chats we’d have, me usually pounding my weary treadmill in the garage late at night, releasing stress, her telling me what she’d eaten for dinner or how hot it had been that day, I never once anticipated that time would be cut short for us, that within months, we’d never speak again.

I feel like I’m in a nightmare and want to wake up, life returning back to normal, all is well.

As with everything in life, I seek comfort in this blog, it’s purpose being twofold: a means to process and also to look back. I read through old posts of weddings, christenings, holidays and parties spent together, never more aware how much this online diary means to me. A family archive and memory keeper, here I’ve collated and curated moments my family and I can treasure.

Whilst grief feels like a war I’ll never win right now, like any adversity I’ve experienced in life (and this has by far, been the worst), grief has taught me lessons I shall not forget.

Firstly, that grief is love. Something I’ve been reminded of time and time again. That this deep pain reflects the love I had for my aunt.

Death has shown me what truly matters in life. People whom might have otherwise hurt me since Zak’s passing, have not. Great loss offers vital context. I never knew a silver lining would be possible at a time like this, yet here it is.

How saddening though that it takes tragedy to focus on what, and who, matters most?

Another lesson grief has taught me has been on friendship.

Someone warned me that you discover who your real friends are at times like this, and how right they were. Whilst I feel let down by someone I thought would be there to hold my hand, I’ve been completely overwhelmed with love and kindness from old and new friends  alike, and of course readers of this blog and social media followers whose support has known no bounds. I’ve received emails on handling grief, FB messages of condolences and tweets, and even cards and gifts.

Others’ capacity for empathy, has touched my broken heart. Thank you all so much.

The greatest lesson in all this misery has been to lap up life and appreciate every moment. To be grateful for the good and the bad. To prioritise seeing friends and family more, to love boldly and unconditionally as Zachara did with all, and to place fun firmly at the top of the agenda in work and play.

To live life courageously and with heart whatever the risk it takes to love that way.

Earlier tonight I spoke to my close friend Lela London on the phone and before we hung up, she ended the conversation with these pearls of wisdom, ‘We just have to get out there and live out our beautiful, best lives, OK?’.

Yes to that. Life is beautiful… even if it doesn’t feel that way right now…

If you’re suffering with grief or any kind of loss, please know that you’re not alone,

Much love,

Vx

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What Grief Has Taught Me

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14 Responses

  1. Christie Lynn says:
    January 29, 2020 at 07:40

    Grief is dynamic in nature and can come from a variety of sources. Sometimes we experience grief through the loss of a loved one. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  2. Pen says:
    October 26, 2017 at 09:28

    Oh Vicki, I hope you’re okay. It sounds like you had a wonderful and really enviable relationship with your Auntie Zak. You are really lucky to have had that, but it does make her passing harder and more painful. Take care of yourself Vicki. Your Auntie Zak would have wanted you to. Pen x.

    Reply
    1. Honest Mum says:
      October 26, 2017 at 23:28

      I know, so hard, thank you for your kindness xx

      Reply
  3. Emerald says:
    October 16, 2017 at 08:27

    I still miss my grandparents even though they’ve been gone more than half my life. Out of the blue I sometimes get a stab of grief and I think about them a lot. It’s especially so since they brought me up. It’s a cliche to say this, but it does get easier in time.

    Take good care of yourself right now, Vicki. Xx

    Reply
  4. Lucy At Home says:
    October 13, 2017 at 15:44

    I love the idea that grief is love. I’ve never thought of it like that before. I am so sorry for your loss…

    Reply
  5. Lisa (mummascribbles) says:
    October 13, 2017 at 08:32

    I always find it’s the menial stuff that strike and hit at the unexpected moments. My Dad was my go to for all things car related and I remember shortly after his death, something needed doing to my car and me thinking ‘Oh I’ll call dad’. Because that’s what I would always do. But I couldn’t and it hit me like a wave. There’s been many times like that over the years but it does lessen, it does get easier. You are right in the heart of the earliest stage of grief at the moment so just be kind to yourself. Sending loads of hugs your way xxx

    Reply
  6. Kate says:
    October 12, 2017 at 21:36

    I am so pleased you found support in all of this. It is awful and sadly it is the cost of having amazing people in our lives who we love. I have no clever words but I do care. I am sure you already know but Cruse is a really useful website at times like this

    Reply
    1. Honest Mum says:
      October 12, 2017 at 21:53

      Oh I didn’t know of it Kate but thank you so much, will check out the site and really appreciate your kind, comforting words, thank you x

      Reply
  7. Cassie Parish says:
    October 12, 2017 at 20:42

    Huge lots of love Vicki. I don’t think I have any words that can make you feel better. Just to know you are thought of. Sending hugs your way xxx

    Reply
    1. Honest Mum says:
      October 12, 2017 at 21:54

      That means a lot, thank you Cassie x

      Reply
  8. Sam McKean says:
    October 12, 2017 at 15:25

    Completely identify with all you said. Especially the silver lining. I no longer have time for drama, petty politics or things that simply don’t matter. We owe it to ourselves and to those we have lost to live every single moment to it’s fullest, love unconditionally, be passionate and take care of those we love (and ourselves). Thank you so much for sharing. Grief and loss are too often avoided in conversation, yet have such a profound impact. Sending you all the love x

    Reply
    1. Honest Mum says:
      October 12, 2017 at 21:55

      Absolutely this Sam, your comment has brought tears to my eyes. Not one minute must be wasted. Thank you too for your support and kind words, they mean a lot x

      Reply
  9. Michelle Reeves says:
    October 12, 2017 at 08:06

    Oh Vicki this brought back so many emotions for me, I remember that lost at sea feeling, no anchor to pull you back to shore, the profound gap in your life and the crushing pain of loss. When my father died 2 years ago (has it really been that long?) I knew it was coming and thought I’d prepared for it. I hadn’t. I don’t think you can. You just need to flow with it, feel it all the way through you, until it’s ready to ebb a little, like a wave that crashes and then receeds. Eventually a calmer sea came to me with ripples rather than crashing waves and now I can remember the happy times, the love, the lessons. Sending you so much love my sweet friend. And hugs always xx

    Reply
    1. Honest Mum says:
      October 12, 2017 at 12:56

      Oh thank you darling, your beautiful, touching words have brought tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry again for your loss and so grateful to have you in my life xx

      Reply

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About me

Vicki Broadbent

Hi! I’m Vicki, mum to Oliver, 12, Xander, 9, and baby Florence who was born in November 2021. I’m also a multi award-winning lifestyle blogger, broadcaster and author.

I wrote the bestselling book Mumboss-The Honest Mum’s Guide To Surviving and Thriving at Work and at Home (UK) in 2018 and the US and Canadian version titled The Working Mom was released in 2020.

If you would like to work with me, please email me at mum@honestmum.com. You can read more about me here. .

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You can order Mumboss (UK) HERE or The Working Mom in the US HERE.

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☀️Nowhere beats London in the sunshine in my o ☀️Nowhere beats London in the sunshine in my opinion and today we played tourists in the capital again (we’ve been heading back most weekends recently) kicking off with the multimedia screening of the new Minions movie (The Rise of Gru) -thanks for the invite @universalpicturesuk-which the boys thought was a clever and funny film dedicated to Gru’s backstory and journey to becoming everyone’s favourite villain. Florence only lasted 30 minutes so we ended up marvelling at buskers in Leicester Square together and strolling around Covent Garden in search of smoothies before reuniting with Peter and the boys and eating our way through the Southbank Centre Food Market with Korean, Italian, Greek and Japanese cuisine no less, enjoyed between us! We did walk and walk and walk (Florence seemed amazed by the crowds and energy of London and spent the day smiling and laughing at everyone we passed) and after hitting 20k steps (mostly of her in the baby carrier on me), I’m hoping we’ll all sleep well tonight, her included🤞! Oliver’s been waiting to walk around with Florence in the carrier bless him and today was the day. (Scroll for pics). I remember him saying he couldn’t wait to experience ‘a kangaroo’ when I was pregnant, after seeing photos of himself and Xander in carriers as babies, in photos. It’s crazy to think I once walked around with Oliver on my chest and he’s now taller than me, carrying his baby sister on his 😂! I hope you’ve all had a sunny Sunday filled with joy, people. Are you planning to watch the film too? I’m going to catch it in full when it hits the small screen⭐️ <gift> #movies #film #mummy #london #londonfood #babies #babygirl #trend #fyp #foryou #motherhood
#Competition! Check out this beautiful portrait of #Competition! Check out this beautiful portrait of a slightly younger Florence by the talented @pkayarts (scroll through to see more photos and a video) and the sweetest collection of leather baby shoes by @dottyfish Florence loves to wear, play with and chew!  Excitingly you can win a portrait of your own (of your baby or even yourself) and 2 pairs of beautiful baby shoes for either girls or boys thanks to @pkayarts and @dottyfish. This gift package is worth approximately £280. Enter below by:
🌸 Following me @honestmum, @pkayarts and @dottyfish.
🌸 Tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance to win.
🌸 Share in your stories using the paper plane symbol below for an extra entry. This competition is not affiliated with Meta. Ends Friday 1st July 2022. UK only. Good luck 🤞 <gifted>.
Ad, gift. ♥️ #Competition ♥️ I’ve been u Ad, gift. ♥️ #Competition ♥️ I’ve been using the @irobot_uk 
i7+ hoover and M6 mop for 3 months now and they’ve helped me keep my house clean and tidy when that’s the last thing I’ve had time for with a small baby and two other kids. These iRobot devices are the ONE, my friends. Cleaning the floors autonomously, they’re equipped with Smart Mapping that allow you to clean the house easily and quickly. The iRobot learns your home’s layout and its easy to navigate app allows you to control it remotally or on a schedule (e.g. when the kids are at school). Enter to win them both worth: £799.99 (hoover)
and £699.99 (mop) totally £1499.98 below.  TO ENTER: you MUST follow me @honestmum and @irobot_uk. ♥️. Share in stories for an extra chance to win. ♥️Tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance to win. ♥️ like this post. Ends July 11th 2022. No affiliation with Meta. Good luck! UK only. #winitwednesday #freebiefriday #giveaway #giveaways #competition #competitiontime #cleaning #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #win #home #comp
Florence celebrated her 7 month birthday today and Florence celebrated her 7 month birthday today and saying her first word, ‘Mama’ at the @royalwindsorflowershow 🌸 in Windsor Great Park 🌳. The Show, which is the annual celebration of the Royal Windsor Rose & Horticultural Society was opened by the Countess of Wessex alongside horticultural hero @alantitchmarshmbe. The Society’s current Patron is Her Majesty The Queen and the Show formed part of the Platinum Jubilee Celebrations marking her 70 years of service with majestic displays, flower and plant stalls, cake and veg grower competitions and activities for all the family spanning gardening fun, live performances, music and al fresco storytelling sessions. Florence particularly enjoyed watching other children plant seeds, and play in the mud kitchen hosted by the brilliant @littlemuddy.boots (established in 2014 to enable more kids to connect with nature in a safe and stimulating environment) and we marvelled at @busybuttonscorecharity’s stunning platinum orb composed of 70 recycled bicycle wheels and 700+ plastic milk bottles involving over 1000 people including families, @dukeofedinburgh_award candidates, NHS adult and child referrals, local businesses and volunteers. Florence and I were also utterly captivated by the beautiful @berkshire_birds_of_prey (I snapped a sweet owl, here). It was extra special to spend the day with my floral expert friend Anca and her kids as she’s the co-founder of the award-winning @bambooflowersuk and patiently answered my flora (and baby-related) questions and took the photos of Florence and I. Congrats to the first prize winner of the peach honed flower wreath I’m posing in created at @oldwindsorflowerclub and the creator for letting me take a million photos until I was happy! Aww, what a wholesome day of beauty, community and cheer. Thank you to PR superstar @charlottesdavey for inviting us, we loved every single minute 💚 <gift> #royal #royalwindsor #windsor #berkshire #flowers #flowerstagram #flowersofinstagram #flowerslovers #royalfamily #royalwindsorflowershow #thegreatwindsorpark #greatwindsorpark #windsorcastle #familyday #friends #babies #bebe #babygirl #daysout #motherhood
🌸🌺Competition 🌸🌺 I truly adore @little 🌸🌺Competition 🌸🌺 I truly adore @littlebutterflylondon: luxurious, organic, sensitive and nurturing mother and baby skincare brand I’ve been using daily on both myself and Florence since she was born so it’s a pleasure to offer 2 of these soothing, pampering sets worth £85 and £115 respectively to one lucky follower. Full details of the sets below. 🌸 To enter: 🌺 follow me @honestmum and @littlebutterflylondon. 🌺Like this post. 🌺 Share this post using the paper aeroplane button below to your Stories for an extra chance to win and tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance too.  Ends Tuesday 14th June at midnight. UK only. No cash alternative. No affiliation with Meta. Good luck! ♥️♥️♥️Details of the pamper gift box: 

1 x  150ml  cocoon of bliss - stretch mark butter
1 x  150ml  scent of seas - toning body serum
1 x  100ml  fresh meadows - cooling leg gel
1 x  luxuriously soft washcloth made of 100 % cotton. ♥️♥️♥️Baby set: 
1 x  200ml  dewdrops at dawn - body lotion
1 x  200ml  bubbles in the breeze - top to toe wash
1 x   50ml  soft as moonlight - nappy change cream
1 x   50ml  love eternal - baby massage oil
1 x  luxuriously soft washcloth made of 100 % cotton.  Ad, gift. #competitions #competition #win #winitwednesday #freebiefriday #skincare #skin #babyproducts #babyskincare #babyskincareproducts #babygirl #bebe #motherhood #pregnancy #pregnant #pregnancyskincare #competitiontime #comp #instababies #kidsoninstagram
Windsor and Eton is in full joyful jubilation mode Windsor and Eton is in full joyful jubilation mode 🇬🇧 and the weather is practically tropical! We’ve roamed around town taking in everyone’s pretty decorations and enjoyed a peaceful picnic in deserted Eton earlier with delicious fare from @flamingcowburgers (swipe for pics). The past few weeks haven’t been all sunshine and celebrations however, I’ve been massively sleep deprived thanks to a teething baby and poor Alexander cracked his head open at school last week. Thankfully he’s almost fully recovered post gluing and Florence was all smiles today. Now if I can just sleep for a week, all will be well! What are you all up to for the bank holiday? #jubilee #queenelizabeth #queen #windsor #eton #windsorcastle #platinumjubilee #royal #royals #royalfamily #parenting #baby #honestparenting #bankholiday #bankholidayweekend #family
Happy birthday to our rock: our strong, humble, fu Happy birthday to our rock: our strong, humble, funny, handsome and loving Peter. The only person I know of who would slowly and calmly walk down seven flights of stairs whilst a hotel we were staying at was on fire! I literally flew down those floors. No one is calmer than that man. We definitely won the husband/daddy lottery with him ♥️ (photos by the talented @phoebegilderphotography). #birthday #birthdayboy #dad #daddy #photoshoot #photography #dadofthree #daddyslittlegirl #father #happybirthday #cute #family #familia #kidsofinstagram #babiesofinstagram #babygirl #explorepage #explore #exploremore #familyphotography
#Competition time 🌺! We had the most glorious d #Competition time 🌺! We had the most glorious day @hilliergardencentres @hilliersyonpark, a hidden oasis of botanical beauty in Brentford, London a few weeks ago (you can read my review at Honestmum.com). @hilliersyonpark is frankly the most picture perfect nursery in the 🌎 overlooking @syonparkofficial where we also whiled away hours in their sumptuous acres! Now you can #win £100 to spend in Hillier’s dreamy on-site restaurants/nursery/shops/ deli including the wonderful @wyndhams_butchers.  To enter: 🌳 like this post. 🍃 follow me @honestmum 🌸 follow @hilliersyonpark 🌺 share in your stories and tag 3 friends in the comments for extra chances to win. Ends Mon 30th May 2022. Not affiliated with Meta. No cash alternative. Good luck 🍀! Huge thanks to Matt and Rob, horticultural experts for the tour, lunch and gifts and to @syonparkofficial for complimentary entry. Florence’s outfit is @baereaccessories. Gift. #floral #flowers #botanical #winit #winitwednesday #competitiontime #london #londonlife #days #daysout #family #baby #babygirl #explore #exploremore #nursery #greenfingers #gardeninspiration #garden #gardening
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☀️Nowhere beats London in the sunshine in my o ☀️Nowhere beats London in the sunshine in my opinion and today we played tourists in the capital again (we’ve been heading back most weekends recently) kicking off with the multimedia screening of the new Minions movie (The Rise of Gru) -thanks for the invite @universalpicturesuk-which the boys thought was a clever and funny film dedicated to Gru’s backstory and journey to becoming everyone’s favourite villain. Florence only lasted 30 minutes so we ended up marvelling at buskers in Leicester Square together and strolling around Covent Garden in search of smoothies before reuniting with Peter and the boys and eating our way through the Southbank Centre Food Market with Korean, Italian, Greek and Japanese cuisine no less, enjoyed between us! We did walk and walk and walk (Florence seemed amazed by the crowds and energy of London and spent the day smiling and laughing at everyone we passed) and after hitting 20k steps (mostly of her in the baby carrier on me), I’m hoping we’ll all sleep well tonight, her included🤞! Oliver’s been waiting to walk around with Florence in the carrier bless him and today was the day. (Scroll for pics). I remember him saying he couldn’t wait to experience ‘a kangaroo’ when I was pregnant, after seeing photos of himself and Xander in carriers as babies, in photos. It’s crazy to think I once walked around with Oliver on my chest and he’s now taller than me, carrying his baby sister on his 😂! I hope you’ve all had a sunny Sunday filled with joy, people. Are you planning to watch the film too? I’m going to catch it in full when it hits the small screen⭐️ <gift> #movies #film #mummy #london #londonfood #babies #babygirl #trend #fyp #foryou #motherhood
#Competition! Check out this beautiful portrait of #Competition! Check out this beautiful portrait of a slightly younger Florence by the talented @pkayarts (scroll through to see more photos and a video) and the sweetest collection of leather baby shoes by @dottyfish Florence loves to wear, play with and chew!  Excitingly you can win a portrait of your own (of your baby or even yourself) and 2 pairs of beautiful baby shoes for either girls or boys thanks to @pkayarts and @dottyfish. This gift package is worth approximately £280. Enter below by:
🌸 Following me @honestmum, @pkayarts and @dottyfish.
🌸 Tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance to win.
🌸 Share in your stories using the paper plane symbol below for an extra entry. This competition is not affiliated with Meta. Ends Friday 1st July 2022. UK only. Good luck 🤞 <gifted>.
Ad, gift. ♥️ #Competition ♥️ I’ve been u Ad, gift. ♥️ #Competition ♥️ I’ve been using the @irobot_uk 
i7+ hoover and M6 mop for 3 months now and they’ve helped me keep my house clean and tidy when that’s the last thing I’ve had time for with a small baby and two other kids. These iRobot devices are the ONE, my friends. Cleaning the floors autonomously, they’re equipped with Smart Mapping that allow you to clean the house easily and quickly. The iRobot learns your home’s layout and its easy to navigate app allows you to control it remotally or on a schedule (e.g. when the kids are at school). Enter to win them both worth: £799.99 (hoover)
and £699.99 (mop) totally £1499.98 below.  TO ENTER: you MUST follow me @honestmum and @irobot_uk. ♥️. Share in stories for an extra chance to win. ♥️Tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance to win. ♥️ like this post. Ends July 11th 2022. No affiliation with Meta. Good luck! UK only. #winitwednesday #freebiefriday #giveaway #giveaways #competition #competitiontime #cleaning #cleaninghacks #cleaningmotivation #win #home #comp
Florence celebrated her 7 month birthday today and Florence celebrated her 7 month birthday today and saying her first word, ‘Mama’ at the @royalwindsorflowershow 🌸 in Windsor Great Park 🌳. The Show, which is the annual celebration of the Royal Windsor Rose & Horticultural Society was opened by the Countess of Wessex alongside horticultural hero @alantitchmarshmbe. The Society’s current Patron is Her Majesty The Queen and the Show formed part of the Platinum Jubilee Celebrations marking her 70 years of service with majestic displays, flower and plant stalls, cake and veg grower competitions and activities for all the family spanning gardening fun, live performances, music and al fresco storytelling sessions. Florence particularly enjoyed watching other children plant seeds, and play in the mud kitchen hosted by the brilliant @littlemuddy.boots (established in 2014 to enable more kids to connect with nature in a safe and stimulating environment) and we marvelled at @busybuttonscorecharity’s stunning platinum orb composed of 70 recycled bicycle wheels and 700+ plastic milk bottles involving over 1000 people including families, @dukeofedinburgh_award candidates, NHS adult and child referrals, local businesses and volunteers. Florence and I were also utterly captivated by the beautiful @berkshire_birds_of_prey (I snapped a sweet owl, here). It was extra special to spend the day with my floral expert friend Anca and her kids as she’s the co-founder of the award-winning @bambooflowersuk and patiently answered my flora (and baby-related) questions and took the photos of Florence and I. Congrats to the first prize winner of the peach honed flower wreath I’m posing in created at @oldwindsorflowerclub and the creator for letting me take a million photos until I was happy! Aww, what a wholesome day of beauty, community and cheer. Thank you to PR superstar @charlottesdavey for inviting us, we loved every single minute 💚 <gift> #royal #royalwindsor #windsor #berkshire #flowers #flowerstagram #flowersofinstagram #flowerslovers #royalfamily #royalwindsorflowershow #thegreatwindsorpark #greatwindsorpark #windsorcastle #familyday #friends #babies #bebe #babygirl #daysout #motherhood
🌸🌺Competition 🌸🌺 I truly adore @little 🌸🌺Competition 🌸🌺 I truly adore @littlebutterflylondon: luxurious, organic, sensitive and nurturing mother and baby skincare brand I’ve been using daily on both myself and Florence since she was born so it’s a pleasure to offer 2 of these soothing, pampering sets worth £85 and £115 respectively to one lucky follower. Full details of the sets below. 🌸 To enter: 🌺 follow me @honestmum and @littlebutterflylondon. 🌺Like this post. 🌺 Share this post using the paper aeroplane button below to your Stories for an extra chance to win and tag 3 friends in the comments for an extra chance too.  Ends Tuesday 14th June at midnight. UK only. No cash alternative. No affiliation with Meta. Good luck! ♥️♥️♥️Details of the pamper gift box: 

1 x  150ml  cocoon of bliss - stretch mark butter
1 x  150ml  scent of seas - toning body serum
1 x  100ml  fresh meadows - cooling leg gel
1 x  luxuriously soft washcloth made of 100 % cotton. ♥️♥️♥️Baby set: 
1 x  200ml  dewdrops at dawn - body lotion
1 x  200ml  bubbles in the breeze - top to toe wash
1 x   50ml  soft as moonlight - nappy change cream
1 x   50ml  love eternal - baby massage oil
1 x  luxuriously soft washcloth made of 100 % cotton.  Ad, gift. #competitions #competition #win #winitwednesday #freebiefriday #skincare #skin #babyproducts #babyskincare #babyskincareproducts #babygirl #bebe #motherhood #pregnancy #pregnant #pregnancyskincare #competitiontime #comp #instababies #kidsoninstagram
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