Trying To Be The Light

Grief hits me the worst at night time…when everyone else is fast asleep and I can’t quiet my busy mind. I think, and overthink and worry and fester, and find myself in the cruel grips of denial and disbelief. I’m not sure I’ll ever accept my auntie Zak is no longer with us, I’m not sure I can.

I was sent this beautiful sweater Be The Light at a time I craved light in such stifling darkness.

Sweater (with 5% of every sale going to charity MIND in the UK and Wales): Bax & Bay, Sports leggings: Puma, trainers: Asics, rucksack: Schuh, shades: Victoria’s Secret, Earrings: Topshop. 

Bax and Bay offered me it unaware of what I was going through at the time. It’s funny how the universe send you support when you need it most. Never underestimate the power an uplifting slogan jumper , tee or kick-ass postcard can offer you.

I’m an advocate of positive affirmations and these embody them, literally-with your body!

This sweater got me to the park on a day I didn’t want to get out of body, enabling me to catch the golden light bursting through the trees, you see here. Thanks to this jumper, I got to witness leaves sparkling in the last of day’s rays as the kids kicked leaves and collected shiny conkers.

It helped me smile when my heart felt heavy and it gave me a boost in front of my kids.

People keep asking me how I am. Not great overall, is the truth, but I’m smiling with, and for my kids because they’ve seen me cry a lot over this last year.

I’m trying to embrace life and live it how Zak did: to the max…The thing is, when we have days out like these or evenings with friends, I’ve found I return back home with a bump, the sorrow hitting me twice as hard.

I’m making deadlines and seeking comfort in my blog, in being able to write and share from the heart as I always do, I’m leaning on the familiar and the rituals mum and work life provides me but I’m struggling.  We all are.

Life has changed and we’re coming to terms with a new normal, a new way of living and surviving without our beloved Zak.

I heart love everywhere though, even in the conker below.

I’m slowly turning towards the light, whilst accepting the darkness.

Thanks for being there, for reading, for messaging and understanding x

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