The Reality of Juggling Three Kids with Big Age Gaps

Disclaimer: as with every baby born, the pros always, always outweigh the cons (even if it doesn’t always feel that way in the moment) but I wanted to prepare anyone who might be planning on a third baby, particularly with older children in tow, who are in need of honest feedback and advice. Age gaps receive a bad rap on the whole but read on for my personal experience.

Of course, there are variables to each individual’s experience of motherhood, based on your own personality, your partner’s and your children’s; the support systems you might or might not have in place, your work demands etc. etc. but hopefully some of the information here based on my experience in having a baby (who is now two years old) at 40, 5 days before turning 41 with an 11 and 9 year old respectively, will prove useful. For context, you might also like to read this post: Having a third baby at 40 and the reality of juggling three kids, first.

 

PROS:

Quality time

You’ll get more quality time with your third child during the day whilst your older kids are at school and in that respect a third baby feels like a first baby but with the wisdom of knowing what you’re doing a bit more (although I forgot a lot in the 9 years gap)! It’s utter mayhem when the older two are back from school of course but at least you can recover somewhat in the daytime!

 

Older kids help more

Older children, depending on their maturity, can help more during your pregnancy and once the baby is born. Writing a chores list or using apps to help you communicate can help provide the household with structure and boost your older children’s involvement. Mine only contribute 30 minutes each day on average when it comes to helping as they need a childhood too but that time makes a huge difference to the running of the house be it setting the table, packing or unloading the dishwasher and helping with cooking and tidying.

 

Extends childhood

Older siblings extend their own childhood with a younger sibling as they have continue to access playgrounds, soft play, fairgrounds, visiting Father Christmas, playing with toys etc they might not experience for as long. Childhood is so fleeting but having a younger sibling means your older ones get to relive their younger years again, see the world anew through the eyes of their sibling, and so do you, by the way!

 

Boosts empathy in your older children

Looking after, guiding and playing with a younger sibling teaches your older children important life skills (my two will be brilliant fathers if they have children in the future thanks to helping me with my daughter). The attention their sister demands requires them to become more empathetic to her needs than they might have been both practically and emotionally. Florence teaches them about their own feelings too.

 

Creates strong bonds

Strong bonds are formed between each sibling in ways I didn’t expect when I was pregnant and whilst arguments happen and are a natural and formative part of childhood and an important one at that, as they teach kids how to resolve issues, my older boys supporting their sister connects them in a deep and meaningful way. The love multiplies, yours and your entire family’s.

 

CONS:

No/ little recovery time

Older children need structure and stability so when you desperately need to rest during pregnancy or post birth, or when you’re dealing with sleep deprivation and simply want to sleep when your baby does (however rare that usually is) it’s pretty much impossible with older kids as they require you to keep going: to ferry them to either school, clubs or friends’ houses. Rest is hard to come by.

 

Lack of routine for your youngest

Routines are hard to stick to as your youngest has to fit into your older children’s schedules such as school runs and pick-ups, after school clubs and training/ sports games after school and on weekends. This can result in a toddler screaming in the middle of match day due to overtiredness or not being allowed on the pitch or perhaps they don’t want to sleep in the car or they end up sleeping at times they shouldn’t (danger naps happen a lot here)! Of course this can result in a lack of routine at night too. You simply have to be compassionate with yourself as you’re trying your best to meet everyone’s needs.

 

Chaos ensues

There’s always one child at any time who will be unwell/ dealing with an issue/ tantrumming possibly which will make you feel frazzled and overwhelmed a lot of the time. It becomes a way of life.

 

Physical and emotional demands ramp up

Big age gaps often mean older children tend to need you more emotionally (problem solving, advice-giving, shoulder to cry on as you support friendship woes and adolescent-based issues) and your youngest tends to need you more physically as you have to keep them safe all day as they can’t look after themselves. I rarely sit down to be honest. In fact, writing this blog post has felt like a mini holiday!

 

As someone self-employed working flexibly around three kids is harder than ever

Working around my two kids felt like a breeze (and it wasn’t) compared to trying to work around three kids.

I’ve had to space out my deadlines more, walk away from projects I might have ordinarily accepted and feel sad when I don’t have the time or energy to write, paint or read as much as before.

Thanks to my parents helping me with childcare and husband sharing the load equally as soon as he’s finished work, I have managed to keep my business going throughout, and I’m grateful and proud of that.

I’ve had to work some evenings and most weekends but the sacrifices (mostly when it comes to my own sleep) have been worth it.

Now my toddler has started nursery a few days a week, my schedule is becoming more manageable. We tried nursery several times before now and she just wouldn’t settle (and being my last baby, I found it hard to let go too) so it’s taken over two years for me to feel more myself and ready to take on more work.

Go easy on yourself, we’re navigating a lot with three kids.

If you’ve been in the same boat and have any wisdom to share or equally, if you have any questions, please leave them in the comments. Thanks and remember each tough stage will pass!

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