Updated post.
As women, we often feel like frauds don’t we? I know I do and often, and there’s a term for it: the imposter syndrome.
The imposter syndrome alludes to feeling like a fake when you have no reason to.
The term ‘imposter syndrome’ was originally coined by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in their landmark 1978 study of 150 highly successful professional women in various fields where despite great achievement, ranking and salary, many women felt like frauds.
It boils down to confidence, and despite more women than ever thriving in the work place, it’s sad to admit, we’re so often our own worst enemies.
And we’re in distinguished company (sadly).
My greatest literary hero of all time Mayo Angelou suffered from the syndrome,
‘I have written eleven books, but each time I think, “Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.” ‘
The gifted Tina Fey also said this of it as noted in Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg,
‘The beauty of the impostor syndrome is you vacillate between extreme egomania and a complete feeling of: ‘I’m a fraud! Oh God, they’re on to me! I’m a fraud!’ So you just try to ride the egomania when it comes and enjoy it, and then slide through the idea of fraud’.
Even Oscar winner Kate Winslet feels it,
‘Sometimes I wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot, and I think, I can’t do this. I’m a fraud’.
We’re in great company right? Wrong. It needs to stop. Or at least, we mustn’t let it stop us from succeeding.
You HAVE TO accept you’ve worked hard, have talent and DESERVE success. It’s that simple…yet of course, rarely that easy. It takes practice.
The fact you even feel that way shows you’re clearly not incompetent, as verified by Neuroscientist and former TED speaker Bradley Voytek who wrote that,
‘Anecdotally, [imposter syndrome] appears to be fairly rampant among academics and other “smart” people. At some point during your career, possibly more than once, you will look at your peers and think to yourself, “I’m not as good as they are; I am not cut out for this…”
I get it, women are made to feel by a patriarchal society that success professionally will make them unlikable, and statistics back that up. A study mentioned again in the inspirational Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg cites an experiment conducted in 2003 with business students who were given a story of a successful entrepreneur. Half were told the entrepreneur was called Heidi, the other were told it was Howard.
They deemed Howard as likeable, talented and worthy of respect yet Heidi was seen as selfish and not someone you would want to work with or hire.
Two exact profiles, the only difference being their gender.
OK, so those questioned were students, not yet in the workforce, but it’s rather telling is it not?
And there’s more-
In 2011, a study published in Human Relations questioned 60,000 full-time workers on their attitudes toward male versus female bosses. 72 % of those who expressed a bias towards gender, wanted a male manager.
However those with a female manager gave them equal ratings to their male counterparts, meaning sexism wasn’t (thankfully) played out in reality. Reassuring to some extent.
But we are far from equality in the workplace.
When 50% of bosses are women, then powerful women will no longer be seen as something rare. They won’t be deemed ‘the other’, the exception to the male-dominant norm. Then, surely then, the archaic, negative representations of successful women in the media will be forced change. The Devil Wears Prada anyone?
I abhor the notion that women must act like men and be ‘ruthless’ or ‘difficult’, to thrive.
I am testament to the fact this doesn’t have to be the case.
Pre-professional blogging days, I was a multi-award winning filmmaker, one of only 4% now and I believe 7% then, of women working in a male dominated industry.
I was always professional, steering the ‘ship’ and drawing out the performances from the actors in the pieces I directed. I cared deeply too.
I nurtured my cast and crew while remaining strong about my vision and leading a team.
I simultaneously handled huge budgets whilst being creative on set. I was ambitious, as I am now, pitching for work, networking and putting myself out there, pursuing success.
In the early days, at 22 after gaining my MA, I worked for one of the most notoriously difficult movie bosses in the world-and survived it, I more than survived, I learnt, grew, grabbed and carved out opportunities- but I refused point blank to change who I was, or my personality, despite witnessing many others around me visibly hardened under his leadership.
I didn’t want to achieve at the expense of others, in fact my filmmaking friends and I were dedicated to supporting one another, recommending each other for work, sharing knowledge, contacts and even regularly crewing up on one another’s passion projects. We didn’t believe in the ruthless dog-eat-dog world we were presented with. We were actively the change we wanted to see.
Now, as a professional blogger, I work in exactly the same way, I’m the director of a limited company leading a small freelance team, creating, as I did as a director, emotion on screen (albeit a smaller but no less powerful screen) in this digital magazine of my life, working with global brands I’m passionate about which enable me to fund this site and whom make blogging my full time job.
I embrace PR and know it’s crucial to people discovering and reading my blog and watching my videos and vlogs.
When working in PR in the film industry for one of the biggest UK distributors, I quickly learnt that 50% of their movies’ budgets were dedicated to press and advertising. It therefore makes sense to dedicate time to promoting your work whatever medium, doesn’t it?
…Yet here we are, with a great deal of society appearing uncomfortable with women sharing their work and demonstrating pride in it. In celebrating their own and each others’ success.
Some deem it unnecessary and pompous even. That as women, we have no right to promote ourselves.
I ask you, would you feel that way if a man behaved in the exact same way? If Heidi was Howard?
Maybe you would, but it’s worth questioning yourself.
Check yourself before your wreck yourself hey- and that means your own internal dialogue which could well be preventing you from pushing higher and reaching your potential.
As Lena shares in her book, women are often told from a young age not to be tenacious, not to ‘lean in’ Sheryl Sandberg style, to keep quiet in class or refrain from taking their seat at the business table, or in the director’s chair. I wasn’t that girl. With feminist parents who instilled a strong sense of self-belief in my brother and I, I tend to feel confident for the most part, owed mostly to that vital foundation. I have that constant reminder ringing in my ears, even now, that anything is possible.
However, I’m human, creative and sensitive, so often find my self-belief has waned or dissipated completely.
I suffered a traumatic birth with my first son which took a long time to recover from, to arrive to where I am today.
Of course, there are others, on and offline, who have undoubtedly tried and continue to try and pull me down (as they will, you), who hope to break my confidence, business, brand and calling. That’s life.
Sheryl Sandberg reminds us to confront the sadness (cry it out) then move on quickly.
My husband likes to remind me that it’s a positive thing when people show their true colours, that way you know who has your back.
I’m now pretty good at the ‘moving on’ part. I forget easily, don’t hold grudges and press on, not looking back.
It’s come from practise though-being in the media industry for many years, understanding rejection, dusting myself off after each and every let-down or mistake and vitally failing, and accepting failure as a crucial part of the process. Everyone must fail in order to learn, grow and ultimately succeed.
I also have a deeper appreciation of what success means to me, be it having more free time in my work week to achieving a contract that means a lot, or writing a blog post which resonates with others and makes a difference, however small.
Success is fluid- and my kids, my greatest success of all, ground me when life feels crazy. I look at them and know what matters. They are the reason I want to achieve.
And yes, there are many times where I pinch myself, questioning whether I was the right person for the job or if perhaps someone made a mistake somewhere and hired me accidentally.
But not all of the time.
Like Tina Fey, I will ride the wave of euphoria when it comes, and endeavour to glide through the inevitable self-doubt.
I know one thing for sure, I’m committed to trying my hardest to prevent the imposter syndrome from crippling me. To remind myself that I deserve to live the creative life I work so hard for.
I’m determined to keep fighting the feeling I might be fraudulent, when it arises for I am not an imposter, nor are you.
I presented an except of this post for SKY News’ Morning Stories which was broadcast on 24 Feb 2016 when this post was originally posted. You can watch it below.
P.S For further reading, you might find my post a Creative Life-Pushing Through the Self-Doubt useful.
I also released my debut bestselling book Mumboss in May 2018 which covers this topic.
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As a man I struggle with Imposter Syndrome and my mind set can swing from confident and creative to down beat and disheartened. I work on the mantras ‘suit up, boot up and show up’, ‘keep doing the next right thing’ and ‘Fake it until you make it’!
Tom @Ideas4Dads recently posted…7 Things To Love About Family Camping
Just read this at exactly the right time for me, don’t know what but lately I’ve been consumed by feeling of self doubt and actually wondering what I’m doing with my life post kids. Thanks Vicki. And you’re absolutely right. I used to be a headline DJ for an international record label travelling the world playing music to thousands of people. So why do I feel like I can’t achieve anything now? I needed to hear this, and now I just need to act on it.
You are amazing, we must remind and list our achievements as as women, I don’t think we’re good at this, at telling ourselves and others what we’ve achieved and what we’re capable of. We can do anything we put our minds too. Glad this helped x
Funny to read that today. I’ll be closing the studio as we will be moving soon, and despite it being a success, I feel like such a failure. It runs deep. I have this re-occurring dream of not having passed the last exam to earn my degree and that a previous boss comes up to me and outs me. Sometimes it’s so real, I almost want to go down into the basement in the mornings to dig out my diploma. Will this ever stop???
Sending hugs and love and can’t wait to hang out xxx
this is such a great read!not just only for women but it applies to all…thanks you so much for sharing this!
So many things in this post seem relatable. Never thought someone would give this syndrome a name.
Hi, Vicky! I have only just found your blog, and I have to say: it’s an absolute treasure. I am all too familiar with imposter syndrome. A few toxic relationships throughout my life have fed that monster, but never did I feel it more strongly than during graduate school in a STEM field. Actually finishing and being successful in my career should have dealt the IS-Monster a fatal blow—but as a new-ish blogger, it haunts me anew. Your story inspires me to stop it already and realize that I need to get on with being me and doing what I do. Thank you for the wonderful post.
Oh Michelle, so wonderful to read your comment and I’m touched you’ve found my blog. Please know you can build that confidence again, I did xx
I had never heard of imposter syndrome before. Really interesting! #BrillBlogPosts
Thank you!
Grear post. Obvious I know, but men can suffer from imposter syndrome too. I know I do. I know that we are still far from gender equality, especially in the workplace, but we all have to keep reminding ourselves that we deserve to be there and we are not worthless. I am so sorry that so many feel this way and we all have to keep supporting each other.
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Oh gosh, this has rung so many bells! I know exactly why too; my mother was a truly horrible person (a bi-polar, violent alcoholic), and in the short time I had to live with her, every single day she would tell me how wrong I was: I was the wrong gender, my hair was the wrong colour, I was too tall, too skinny, too thoughtful, too quiet, too tomboyish… you name it, whatever I was, I was wrong. It was only with adulthood that I realised it was her sickness talking. Nevertheless, her words still cut deep.
Fortunately, most of my childhood was spent with my doting grandparents, so a lot of the potential for damage from my mother was offset. However, even though I know I’m great at whatever I do (and modest too!), I still have those moments of self-doubt… not helped, I think, by my insistence to find my own way of doing things, rather than the ‘accepted’ way! Stubborn, moi?
My most prominent fraudulent moment was when I was invited to a conference in Beverly Hills, back in 2004: there I was, surrounded by CEOs, VCs, and goodness knows what other abbreviated titles – I felt so out of my depth, and wondered what the heck I was doing there. I felt like a complete fraud. And then during one of the breaks, the CFO of Sony came over to me, and just started chatting about tattoos. Apparently he’d been sitting behind me, trying to work out whether it was actually a tattoo peeking out from under my blouse, or something else. His opening line?
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”, as he took off his jacket, and rolled up his sleeves!
Completely put me at my ease… and helped me to keep focused on the very legitimate reason I had for being there – and that I too was a CEO!
I’d love to say that the fraud-monster has been vanquished but I’d be lying if I said it had. Instead, it mostly lurks like a Harry Potter boggart, and occasionally rears its ugly head. I just have to remember to shout “Ridikulus” at it! Because it absolutely is ridiculous; we’re all pretty much superheroes… am I right? 😉
Oh Nico, so touched you’ve shared this with me on my blog. I am sorry for what you went through as a child and it was the illness talking when your mother said those things. I am so glad you had the love of your grandparents and I love your attitude-the fact you shout down that self-doubt when it rears its head. It’s what I do too or I rely on my support team to do it for me when I feel clouded with self-doubt particularly during PMT time. Thank you for being your amazing self. Love your experience in Beverly Hills. Have you ever blogged about your tattoos? Would love to see them xx
Fab post – I think this is something lots of women can really relate to. Great advice too xx
Thanks Gail, so glad you liked it x
This is so true and to be honest I had never thought about it before! #brilliantblogposts
Thanks Rebecca, it affects us all but must stop xx
What a great post. I definitely suffer with this; I just have this feeling that everyone else knows more than me or can do stuff better than me, even if it’s something I’m really good at and “should” feel confident about. The study with Heidi vs. Howard is really interesting and shows how ingrained sexism is in society and how we expect men and women to behave differently (men in leadership, and women subservient). Thanks for sharing this and showing us that it’s a common feeling and one that can (and needs to be) tackled #brillblogposts
Lucy At Home recently posted…#Blogcrush Week 18 – 16th June 2017
Thanks Lucy, we all suffer from this but we need to remind ourselves of our worth, work on our confidence always, battle the voices in our heads and also society/culture which is still so inherently sexist.
What a great post! I confess to suffering from the imposter syndrome all the time! And it’s not just professionally. I feel like a fraud in so many aspects of my life! Whenever step aside and think about it, I realize I’m being ridiculous, but it is SO HARD not to feel that way in the moment! Thank you for your insight! #brilliantblogposts
I hear you but it’s vital to fight it, to remind yourself we all feel that way at times and you deserve to be right where you are in every sphere of your life x
There is so much in this piece. I’m an actress and it has given me so much strength for trail and error, putting yourself out there and playing. Yes, there’s lots of rejection, failure and embarrassment but that’s all part of creating and you can’t create the pieces you’re proud of without the backlog of crap. I think that translates to motherhood, there will be so many moments of crap I will be crap, so will my baby but then we’ll get to a moment where we nail it and it would’ve never have come with out the (yes) crap. So a great piece. The voice in your head that doubts is you being on the journey to the moment where you get it. #brillblogposts
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Love this and you are so right, I was a director pre blogging and have so much respect for actors-you fearlessly have to keep putting yourself out there. You are right about motherhood too, we are all on this journey and grow from the tough times x
So many of your pieces actually speak to me! Like you know the day I need them! Much needed read!
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That means a lot. So glad to have helped and hope you are OK. We all suffer from this and we can overcome it xx
I have to agree with TopFiveMum that it does seem to get better with age. Either we finally know more or we don’t care??
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
jodie filogomo recently posted…Outdoor Summer Event Outfit for Sitting
Yes Jodie, definitely feel that way about a lot of things like my body image x
I totally relate to this, and I think that I still feel like a fraud in so many ways, which I agree has got to stop. I feel like a fraud as a parent, as a blogger, as a wife, just as a woman, and I hate that! Accepting my worth and my place is something I am really working on. #brillantblogposts
five little doves recently posted…Geronimo Festival 2017
We all suffer but must fight it because we deserve to feel good about ourselves in every sphere of our lives xx
I think feeling like you are an imposter especially at the beginning of your journey is quite a normal thing. This self doubt is not necessarily negative but shows that we are going through a learning curve, paying our dues so to speak 🙂 I think it’s important we lose this feeling though and know our self worth and that we CAN! I’m constantly working on it :). Thanks for refreshing this post! x
Jo @ Jo’s Kitchen Larder recently posted…Chocolate Brioche Pudding with Raspberries
I agree Jo but so many of us, myself included and greats like Tina Fey feel it all the time, irrespective of where we are in our journey. It’s time to be kind to ourselves xx
I don’t think I’ve earned the merit to think that I’m an imposter yet, but my blog is slowly growing and I wonder sometimes “Hey, how did I get here!”
Laurie recently posted…Laura Ashley – Feminine Floaty Style Maxi Dress
Your blog is amazing Laurie, never doubt that. So important we treat ourselves as we would our best friend and believe we deserve happiness and success x
I’ve always felt like a bit of an imposter but it’s getting better with age and experience. A few years ago I was given an ‘outstanding’ rating at work and got a brilliant bonus. My reaction? How will I be able to keep this up and what if I don’t perfect as well next year?! Rediculous. But true! Thanks for sharing this issue that many of us women face xx
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[…] First up we are delighted to interview Vicki from top UK blog (and vlog) Honest Mum. Vicki covers a number of topics including food, family, fashion and life…but for us, as readers, we love her inspiring posts where she writes candidly about her experiences in life as a director, mother and someone in the digital eye. One of our favourites landed Vicki on a segment for Sky TV, talking about the imposter syndrome. […]