Babies joyfully help you to discover skills you as a parent, never you knew you had. Or wanted. They’re good like that.
1. You can literally survive/function/watch the Kardashians on repeat on a few hours sleep. You might feel like total and utter shizzle with a cherry on top (remember hangovers, times your worst in history, ever by 100 then again) yet you can somehow get through each day, with the hope that tomorrow night, you’ll sleep. You won’t.
2. You can go to the ladies room (yes I’m going all Victorian on you) holding a baby. Knickers may inevitably get in a twist but with practice it becomes erm second nature. Gone are leisurely toilet times reading Elle and catching up on work emails.
2. Jumping on trampolines (like you do as soon as you’ve had a baby), boucy castles or simply just jumping may lead to bullet point no 2 occuring prematurely (*cough I’ve heard). Agh multitasking (and babies keeping Tena in business).
3. Weaning a baby means changing clothes more times than Beyoncé on tour (what was that nipple bodysuit about anyway-purleease) and you find if you don’t put a wash on every hour, you too will be parading round in your underwear most days (at home of course-unlike Bey, nips covered where possible). *Realises why the postman always has a smile on his face.
4. You can drive short distances with a crying baby or a beautiful symphony of toddler and baby cries (my personal fave) until one of them eventually sleeps or you finally get home, ready to open the gin.
5. You effortlessly handle sibling rivalry by promising older children toys, ice lollies or threatening to ‘pretend call’ their strict nursery teacher if they don’t stop trying to bash the baby over the head. Le sigh.
Now your baby survival course is complete, you can progress to the life enhancing toddler stage. Er Good luck with that one…(post coming soon).