Honest Mum

I’ve been on the receiving end of ‘Mean Girl’ style behaviour in the past and I bet you have too.

Photo by Chris Sabor on Unsplash

In fact I know a lot of you have because I receive heartbreaking emails and messages from many of you, asking for my advice on how to handle other women dead-set on making you feel excluded or less-than within your families, at work and in friendship circles.

This is not just a ‘female’ thing of course, there’s a lot of bad behaviour that comes from men too- but as most of the people I hang out with are women (holla to my male bestie Will though) I want to focus on what I’ve witnessed online and IRL.

Let me kick off by stating I have the strongest, most incredible (ever expanding) network of great friends, colleagues and even women I consider ‘sisters’, thanks to the online world and those I’ve known forever. Women who hold, support, lift and love one another unconditionally- so b********** is not (thankfully) the norm in my world.

I grew up with STRONG, empowering women from my grandmothers to my mother, aunts and cousins who collectively became my blueprint for the sisterhood. I’m lucky.

But it hasn’t protected me from b*********: it was there when I was at school (a nightmare all-girls private school), cropping up again at uni and then in my work as a TV director and filmmaker.

This ranged from women trying to trample over me/one another for success and a whole lot of backstabbing behaviour that baffled me.

It makes me so sad when others can’t see the power in numbers, in building one another up rather than tearing each other down.

Yes people project their insecurities on to others, we are all human with flaws…


I want you all to do something, to stop people in their tracks when they’re unfair, b*****, unkind etc. To not sit there and listen to others badmouth each other, to take action and CALL IT OUT.

I’m taking a stand against this kind of nastiness.

And I want you to put micro politics into action.

This doesn’t mean being equally unkind to the offenders nor does it mean not listening to those with issues and grievances. What it means is NOT ENGAGING with futile gossip, harmful words without reason and uncalled tittle tattle.

It makes you feel S**** listening to it and even worse advocating and sharing it.

A comment by my great blogging friend Catherine of Not Dressed As Lamb on my post The Sister Code. How Sisterly Are You? gave me inspiration to write this.

As part of her comment she shared this,

‘It reminds me of a little incident that happened at a wedding I went to last year: Talking to someone close to me (female, we’ll call her “Ann”), and as you do, you always ooh and aah over the bride’s dress and we were saying how beautiful she looked, etc. etc. Ann turned to me and said about one of the guests, “ooh what about that girl over there in that dress”, and I asked “What about her?”

Ann said “Don’t you think that she looks awful in that dress? It’s far too tight, blah blah blah” – and right there and then I knew I didn’t want to be a part of bashing other women for what they were wearing any more, ever. Not that I ever did, I just didn’t want the conversation to continue and have to listen to it from someone else. The girl had obviously gone to a lot of trouble to get dressed up for the wedding, and I pointed out to Ann that I thought it was nice that she’d dressed up and looks happy and confident.

Once Ann realised I wasn’t going to participate in the girl-bashing she turned to me and said – no word of a lie – “Oh you’re boring, I’m off to talk to someone who WILL have a bitch about what everyone’s wearing”.

WTF?!!!!! And this is someone close to me as I said, and my disappointment in her was beyond measure. I’d rather be “boring” than criticise women in that way. But when it comes from someone you know and trust and love… It’s hard to take it. But I hope she soon gets the message that I don’t appreciate her being that way… It make me so sad’.

We all need to be like Catherine.

I refuse to believe b******* is the default for women.

I know it isn’t because I see its not thanks to my nearest and dearest who lead by example.

So next time someone tries to drag you into arguments, pettiness, unkind small talk, immature school yard behaviour, take a stand.

Act like an adult.

Base your decisions, not on others but YOURSELF.

In the words of Bob Dylan, ‘You’re a big girl now’. So be a grown up.

Don’t act like a 16 year old ‘mean girl’. You’re more than that. Much more.

Start calling it out.  Do the right thing.

You might feel uncomfortable at first but don’t EVER feel you need to agree with others if you don’t feel the same. Don’t feel the pressure to follow the crowd, to try to fit in. Be true to you.

Once you do, the law of attraction gets to work, and good energy will multiply.

Send out those positive, understanding vibes and they’ll be sure to bounce right back at you!

It’s easy once you start.


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Putting a Stop to B!**** Behaviour. Call It Out - Honest Mum




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118 Responses

  1. Rainbowsaretoobeautiful

    I have absolutely no time for this type of behaviour. My life is too short to spend it putting people down. There are far greater things to be talking about. Go Catherine and Go ladies. Call it out!

  2. Silly Mummy

    Yes, everyone should be like Catherine. It’s mostly just covering for insecurity – people make themselves feel better by putting others down and it becomes so automatic most don’t even realise they’re doing it or think how unkind it is. #brilliantblogposts

  3. Carolyn

    Wow, I haven’t been subjected to any mean girl behaviour (fingers crossed I won’t) but I do see it and it’s so sad, some people really like to just make themselves feel better by putting others down don’t they? If we’re all honest we do judge people/what they’re wearing to some extent but there’s no need to be nasty about it! #brilliantblogposts

  4. Kiri

    Great post! There is just no need for it – sometimes I think it’s ignorance, sometimes that people really have nothing better to do, but mostly I think it’s jealousy.

  5. Debbie

    Hi Vicki, I’ve never entertained gossip or b*****ness, it’s uncalled for and unnecessary. Just walking away from someone when they start being nasty is usually enough for them to get the message if you don’t want to speak out. Their nastiness is like a fire that gets fed by people who actually listen to what they spout, so if nobody listens the fire has to go out.

    It’s a shame really because the people who are blatantly nasty must be really sad and angry on the inside. But that’s really no excuse for running people down.

    Another fab post.


  6. Cheryl @ ReimerandRuby

    Lovely post! so brave of you to discuss this on your blog… I have encountered the b******** recently with my friends, I was thinking of writing something like this on my blog to express my disappointment out but I didn’t, I tried to be civil to them instead to keep the peace. Thanks so much for this very inspirational post… you’ve just done it for me. #brillblogposts

  7. Tara

    So true. I saw a post about a woman who even had mean people she didn’t know trying to take a secret selfie with her (they were in a restaurant, I think) because they were giggling over her choice of dress. What has the world come to? So sad.

  8. Vicki

    Well said Vicki, great post. I’m glad to say I haven’t come across much bitchiness, only support since I started blogging (although who knows what people are saying behind my back – I don’t want to know!). Agree, we need to call it out when we see it.
    Vicki x

  9. Vicki Montague - The Free From Fairy

    Well done Vicki…this needed to be said! I have always found it incredible how women are happy to diss other women. In the main I have tried to stay away from it as much as possible. When I was at uni I lived with men to avoid the inevitable when living with other women. I will never participate in gossip or backstabbing. What you give you get is my firm belief in life…so if you talk about others in a bad way then others will talk about you in the same way. Karma that is what helps direct my behaviour for the good of others.

  10. becca farrelly

    Such an important post for me at the moment as I have seen myself the silly childish things that are going on in Facebook blogger groups and I get so fed up of it, I have left quite a few for that reason. I haven’t got the time or energy for people who are negative and lets face it most negativity stems from jealousy and its such an awful trait. I’m glad that as I have got older, I have got wiser to things and don’t rise to people like that 🙂


  11. Agent Spitback

    This is a brilliantly written post! And your “call to action” is what we need to hear! It does take courage to STAND UP and and CALL IT OUT! It’s time to put on our big girl’s pants and stand up for what you really believe in and you’ll find out how really strong you are or can be and who your true friends are anyway. #Brilliantblogposts

  12. Mrs Tubbs

    It’s so depressing listening to someone make themselves feel big by making others look small. Even more so if you get suckered into joining in. Even if it’s just by silence.

    As others have said, life’s too short for that kind of nonsense. I distrust people who behave like that as I always wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Something equally as delightful I’m sure!

    It’s nice to be nice to others – it makes their day and makes you feel good. Everybody wins 🙂

    Great post.

  13. Emma

    Sadly it is so common all of the cattiness and women bashing women and I really hate it! Like you say it’s about taking a stand and not getting dragged into that way of thinking or that mentality. We need to think before we open our mouths, we also need to think about the examples we are setting for our children. Brilliant post! #brillblogpost

  14. Something Crunchy Mummy

    Totally agree. There are far to many people out there that are happy to put others down and talk behind their back. Unfortunately I have been subjected to that and found out about it and it hurts. We need to stop these people putting others down. #brilliantblogpost xx

  15. KidGearUK

    Totally with you on this. It’s very sad when people behave in this way. I try to remember that it says more about them than it does about the person they’re doing it to. It makes me feel sorry for them in a way as they’re probably feeling quite insecure. Doesn’t mean it’s ok to put others down to make themselves feel better, but it just reminds me it’s them not me and to not engage with it.


  16. Georgina

    Wow what a fantastic post! I’m totally with you, I don’t indulge people the energy of talking or judging in that nasty negitive way. What you put out there…your get back! Don’t give people like that the head space. X

  17. justsayingmum

    absolutely brilliant! It is so empowering to not join in and the look on the other’s face is priceless when you point this out and disagree with them – they know they’ve been wrong and found out – it’s just sad that not more people are confident enough to take that stand – somehow the bullies exert a power even away from the playground – i guess once a bully always a bully but the comment about being an adult is so true – we can stand up to these people – the world would be a better place – let’s do it!

  18. Unhinged Mummy (aka Janine Woods)

    Amen to that! I have a friend who has become a bit catty recently and makes comments about other people and I try to get her to see things from a different angle. No need for cattiness at our age. Or any age really but as adults we know better so should do better.


  19. Katie

    awesome post. im lucky to only have had a mostly good experience in the blogging world so far but horrendous IRL. Girl power honey

  20. Andreea

    You are absolutely right. I have to say, I grew up next to 2 very strong women – my grandma that we used to call Hercules and my mom who we call The General. I got a little bit from them, but still, until I got mature enough I was still pretty sensitive and any nasty comments easily got to me. But not anymore, I’m just blocking them. I do believe in karma and I would never answer with the same attitude. I just let them be.

    • Honest Mum

      Your Mum and Grandma sound amazing (love their warrior titles). I’m a sensitive soul but it’s so important to not let others’ affect you negatively. Thanks for your fab comment x

  21. John Adams

    Men can be bitchy, no question of it. It is, however, something I hear women complaining of a lot more. Quite right to call it out though. Glad I’ve never met an “Ann”. Thanks for hosting #BrilliantBlogPosts

    • Honest Mum

      Thanks John, me too and you’re right, I’ve met and experienced it from men. I’m lucky my husband and men close to me are the least bitchy people you could meet but then that goes for the close women in my life too. Thanks for your comment x

  22. Random Musings

    LOVE this post. I totally agree about calling people out on this kind of behaviour. If people think listening is ok as long as you don’t join in, then they’re part of the problem. If no one wanted to listen to this sort of talk then no one would be saying it! Thanks for hosting #brillblogposts

  23. Rachel In Real Life

    I despise this sort of behaviour. I have been a victim of it in the past and I strongly suspect others currently b**** about me both in the blogging world and in real life. I know in the past I haven’t been great at calling out that sort of behaviour. While I don’t actively join in as such, I just remain quiet. I hate confrontation but this has prompted me to think about challenging the narrative; even if we don’t join in we are almost implicit in not calling it out.

    • Honest Mum

      I am so sorry to read this Rachel, it’s childish school yard behaviour and it must not be tolerated. No one likes confrontation, myself included but calling people out is so important, it’s leading by example and calmly saying it’s not acceptable. I think the more we do it, the stronger we will ultimately feel. I understand it can feel challenging to stand up to those who are unkind but we must xx

  24. Kate Holmes

    I enjoyed this post. I am big on women backing each other and cannot stand it when they don’t. The last time I came across some backstabbing and sadly in the blogging world, it really got to me and I didn’t know how to handle it as frankly I could not believe my ears. We can all behave better if we try and it makes us feel good too so win-win in my view

  25. Fern P

    I love this, Vicki! It’s so important that women stand together and support each other. Like they say in Mean Girls, calling each other horrible names just makes it okay for men to call us horrible names!
    There have definitely been times where I should have spoken up but was too afraid to. From now on I will try harder to call others out on their cattiness!

    • Honest Mum

      Yes to that and we’ve all been there but hopefully we can feel stronger by calling out catty behaviour knowing we are creating change, however small and leading by example x

  26. Angela at Daysinbed

    I’ve seen this in the online community but try to avoid and don’t participate. It’s is much better to come together and support one another than to pull each other down. Thanks for the food for thought. Angela from Daysinbed xx

  27. Becky at PinksCharming

    Really great piece, thanks so much. It worries me that I have two daughters who will most likely be on the receiving end of some of this stuff (as all girls are) and I don’t know how to prepare and arm them for it, other than as you say, leading by example. It breaks my heart that sooner or later, someone is going to make a comment, either towards them, or someone else, I know it will come as such a horrible shock to them. I guess we can only try and explain that often, this sort of behaviour comes from a lack of self confidence and respect, and/or jealousy. Lots of food for thought here, thanks, Becky x #brilliantblogposts

    • Honest Mum

      It is so hard when your kids are at the receiving end of harmful comments, literally heartbreaking. So important we show them how best to deal with this sort of behaviour, calmly but in a way that demonstrates a clear understanding of right and wrong and getting the right support from teachers etc if need be. Thank you for your comment x

  28. Alice Megan

    I’m surrounded by strong women in my family but for 23 whole years I can count on one hand the amount of strong female women I can genuinely call friends, I seem to attract the ones that are consistently behaving in this manner so I just don’t have it. I might count my girls on one hand but they’re the best girls I could ever ask for

    • Honest Mum

      Sorry you’ve experienced mean girl behaviour but the girls you talk of sound amazing and in life it’s quality not quantity of friends right? Thanks for commenting x

  29. Capture by Lucy

    This is all too rife in the blogging world at the moment. I was horrified and felt terrible that I was oblivious to a horrid situation that has left one active blogger feeling as though she has to leave a Facebook group where she is one of the most supportive members. It can be all too cliquey for my liking sometimes and that goes for real life too. I surround myself with a small but nice group of friends. Nice people who are kind and thoughtful and who I try to be kind and thoughtful about too. It’s ok to discuss things, even people and have an opinion but down right nastiness is not ok! Great post xxx

  30. Michelle

    Well said! It always makes me so sad when I hear women pull each other apart. I’ve left many a table due to the nasty comments being thrown around about the poor women who has just left to go to the loo. I’ve also lost a few ‘friends’ because I’ve refused to join in with their petty behaviour.

    Here’s to supporting each other.

    Michelle x

    • Honest Mum

      Yes to that, keep being you because you are amazing and by acting that way you are seperating the wheat from the chaff and will attract and surround yourself with great people, always, a short term loss for a long term wonderful gain x

  31. Pen

    Yes, very true. Life can be tough enough without our so called friends making it tougher. I hope you are well my lovely. Pen X

  32. Notmyyearoff

    So spot on. I work with men mostly at work and with women in the blogging world. The diifferencd in bitching is plain to see in the two arena and I didn’t know how to quite deal with it at first. I now know how to nip in the bud and in pretty sure some think I’m boring for doing it. But meh! If they take their bitchy selves away as a result then that’s a good one really!

  33. Hannah Budding Smiles

    All the yes to this! I recently had a troll swearing at me because I was open about my feelings that smoking whilst pregnant, at a maternity unit around other pregnant ladies and babies, is wrong. She was awful to me, telling me I was wrong for doing pregnancy yoga and baby led weaning etc etc so I just invited her to unfollow my blog rather than force me to block her. I hate the nastiness than can come from (predominantly) women and it is something that can be controlled, we’re not at the mercy of some inbuilt bitchiness that we can’t control!xx

    • Honest Mum

      Gosh how shocking, if people don’t like or agree with what you have to say, they need to not read your blog. Keep being your wonderful self, good attracts good, always xxx

  34. Regina L. L. Wells

    Yes, girl! I call it out when the person on the receiving end, for whatever reason, isn’t capable of defending themselves. I was in a nail salon once, and a patron was talking terribly to the nail tech, making and voicing very personal (and vile) assumptions about the nail tech based on her ethnicity, nation of origin, and apparent inability to understand her. I finally lost my stuffing when said woman said at the end of all of her insults disguised as understanding, “In case you don’t know what docile means, it means you do what your men say.” I lost it, leaned across the chair between us and told her in my “big thesaurus” words what I thought of what she’d been saying to her nail tech and ended with, “In case you don’t know what that means, it means that you are the most ignorant, uninformed person I have ever seen, and if you say one more thing to her, [bleep].” The funnies part of the whole story was when the woman left and the nail tech walked over to me and, in perfect English, said, “Thank you. I don’t pay those people any attention. I just pretend like I can’t understand them.” She sure handled the situation better than I did or could have ever handled it.

    • Honest Mum

      Oh wow love this and the fact she was pretending not to understand them. How disgusting was the vitriol from the offender. What is wrong with people? Got nothing nice to say, don’t say it, right? Well done you for not standing for it. Calling it out is vital. Thanks for your comment x

  35. Catherine @ Not Dressed As Lamb

    Vicki thank you for the mention – although it was something I wish I hadn’t experienced, I’m glad it inspired this post… And how inspiring is it?!! It’s funny that you said you went to an all-girls school and experienced that sort of bitchy behaviour – I too went to an (independent) all-girls school but we were taught to respect ourselves and each other and I experienced none of that sort of Mean Girls stuff. And I couldn’t be more relieved that that was the case, I have very fond memories of school and of all my friends.

    I know that I’m going to have to call “Ann” out on that sort of talk very soon – just the other day I was wearing new shoes just before doing a photo shoot and oh, the criticism I got for them!! Not just “hmm I’m not keen on them” but “oh my god they’re revolting, I wouldn’t give you 5p for those” (they were expensive shoes and ones that got a ton of love on my blog). I didn’t even ask for an opinion.

    As I always say I honestly, really don’t care what other people think about what I wear but nor do I want to have it rubbed in my face when my outfits don’t appeal. I would never, ever, EVER say that to someone else – I didn’t ask for an opinion but got one – a vile one – anyway. Had there not been other people around I would have said something, but in the end I didn’t because it would have embarrassed the others. “A quiet word” is going to be had one day, I just have to pick my moment…!

    Well done again for writing this – it’s bloody fantastic and you are nothing short of awesome 🙂

    Catherine x

    • Honest Mum

      Thanks so much for the inspiration Catherine, and I’m sorry ‘Ann’ is continuing. It sounds like she might be unhappy with herself/life as so often people are projecting their own insecurities onto others, maybe she wishes she could wear those shoes. These are her issues. By discussing through why she feels that way and explaining you feel hurt when she makes these comments should help her. I truly believe in being honest and kind to others which you always are. Thanks for being such a strong, inspiring friend. So glad and grateful blogging has brought great women like you into my life. Love you had such a positive experience at school too, I wish I had. I was lucky that my mixed sixth form was amazing in contrast xx

      • Catherine @ Not Dressed As Lamb

        I honestly don’t think she knows she’s being mean. I know that if/when I call her out she’s going to say “Oh for goodness sake, I’m only joking” – but that’s the thing, she *isn’t* joking. I KNOW she doesn’t like the shoes (or everything I wear for that matter), but who cares?!!! I don’t like everything she wears but I certainly don’t go telling her.

        It’s going to be a total shock to her as I think those sorts of comments are the norm for many, many women – and I think they honestly don’t realise they’re doing it. (It’s the old “I’m just being honest!!” thing that really gets my goat.)

        I’ve put with being made fun of what I wear by people I know for a long time (water off a duck’s back luckily), and it’s taken the last few years of blogging to realise that it’s unkind. I’m just glad I never joined in… I just can’t imagine saying to someone “Dear GOD what are you wearing”, yet I hear it all the time from others. Funny how it washes over you after a while, but I’m lucky in that it doesn’t knock my confidence. Other women who have to put up with it are not so confident, and it now makes me so cross when it’s being done to *anybody*…!


      • Honest Mum

        Firstly you look ah-mazing, always so I cannot even understand or fathom you getting these comments and secondly why do people feel their unsolicited editorial comments are wanted or useful. Reminds me of ‘back seat parenting’-everyone has an opinion or view and yes sometimes it’s well intentioned, unlike the cattiness you mention towards yourself, but a lot of the time it’s uncalled for. There are no excuses when it comes to bitchiness. No one wins, the offender feels bad if not worse than the one receiving the shizzle. It has to stop. Well done you for always standing up to the nonsense and not letting it affect you. Keep shining on and wearing what you like because you are FABULOUS x

  36. Mama and More aka Zaz

    It’s so easy to fall into that bitching trap, making comments about appearance, we’ve all done it, but you are absolutely right, it has to stop. It serves nothing but to generate bad karma, negative energy, and eventually you realise that as a collective we can empower, support and inspire each other – so why waste time on those who need to tear others down to climb up onto an itty bitty pedestal?? You and Catherine make a great point – don’t just not engage in it, SAY you don’t want to, SAY that actually it’s not cool to be mean, take a stand to be kind!

  37. Mel

    Oh gosh, I couldn’t agree more. Life is too short for bad-mouthing people, and just like Catherine, I’d rather be boring than waste time criticising others. x

  38. Karen

    I think we all need to be gently called out on this and thank you for a post that empowers us to stand up to gossiping and witch hunting on women! I’ve never often fitted in the crowd maybe because I’ve always felt comfortable to just be myself and not follow the crowd, it’s easy to get caught up in bitching about others when you feel insecure, jealous or hurt, true grace and dignity comes from being grounded in yourself and being genuine about others – I’m not always perfect in seeing the good in everyone especially when I am the one that’s being bitched about (disappointingly I’ve found the blogging world to be quite prolific in women just being out right rude and mean to eachother ) but your post is a refreshing nudge to be mindful of my words and to keep building up every woman because we all deserve that.

    • Honest Mum

      Thanks Karen, it makes me so sad when I witness that kind of behaviour. It is so important we stand up to it, gravitate towards those who don’t engage and keep sending out positivity xxx

  39. Pamela | Life With Munchers

    Whoop whoop! Couldn’t agree more! I think high school experiences cut deep. I got massively screwed over by my school ‘bestie’ and always been wary ever since. I’ve been lucky to work in male dominated environments where you can call someone out and it’s done with 10 mins later. So blog land being predominantly female is a learning curve for me. Positivity all the way! Life is too short for anything else x

  40. Amanda

    Sadly it is so common, but by enabling it, we make the ‘mean girls’ stronger so yes, let’s make a stand and call it out!Empowerment & strength in numbers is the way I like to live my life. The older I get, the less I care about the BS and feel more confident and content than ever before.

  41. Mummy Fever

    I call it out and say I’m not interested in that kind of chat and then I get attacked as a result. Still not prepared to listen to that kind of sh** though xxxx

    • Honest Mum

      You are doing the right thing and that’s what matters. Let others get on with childish nonsense while you keep rising. Thanks for your comment x

  42. Daisy

    Fab post. I experienced a lot of this and I’m sure I was (sadly) a part of it at high school. I do not miss those days. Many years of trying to fit in and be someone I wasn’t.

    It shows a strong personality to walk away from someone who is behaving like that, or even better, to let them know you don’t agree. Luckily, I haven’t experienced it in recent years – phew.

    • Honest Mum

      Thanks for this Daisy, totally relate to those high school days you mention. So empowering to not tolerate that behaviour as adults. Thanks for your comment x

  43. Alexandra | I'm Every Mum

    This is so true. I think people know by now not to bother saying things like this to me. I won’t tolerate it. Someone I heard preach last year said, ‘don’t tell me what ? said, tell me why they felt so comfortable to say it to you!’ It’s so sad that there is so much girl on girl war instead or building up each other. I’m grateful for women like yourself that show me, it doesn’t have to be this way. People don’t have to trample over others to be successful in their field, and there’s certainly no need to feel threatened by others. There’s room for us all. Great post V xxx mwah

  44. Leila Benhamida

    Very sad to read some people experience this sort of behaviour. Rise up and light up someone day. When they bitch around the only person they are putting down is themselves. Kindness goes a long way. We don’t have to agree on everything or be all the same but respect is essential to yourself and to others. Thank for sharing. Always wonderful to read through your blog. God bless xx


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