flower

My Missed Miscarriage

Trigger warning: baby loss.

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Tonight we mark our baby who didn’t stay, the angel baby who lives on in our rainbow baby Florence (11 months) and her older brothers, the baby who taught us so much in such a short time: that life can be searingly painful and unfair but that we are (eventually) stronger and more resilient than we know.

I wrote notes in my phone, streams of consciousness around the time I suffered a missed miscarriage (my first early scan showed all was well, my second, showed no heartbeat and what followed was days of pain, physical and emotional before surgery and more pain). I’m sharing a few of those words below I have only had the strength to read back today in all honesty, in case they might help someone else feel less alone. We are 1 in 4, there should be no shame nor silence around baby loss. We shouldn’t be expected to get on with our lives whilst grieving; dealing with hormonal disharmony and chemical changes, shattered dreams, anxiety and in physical pain. We deserve support, care and empathy.

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One of my notes read,
‘I am a husk of a human, a whisper, a fragile shadow of a heartbroken mother trying to find myself whilst navigating deep sorrow’. Slowly the light returned, the grief became more manageable and whilst my subsequent pregnancy was cloaked with anxiety, every scan fraught with fear, family, friends and therapy helped me. Sending love and strength to anyone affected by loss. Please reach out to those you trust. I was lucky to have the love of my husband, family and friends who pieced me back together. Special thanks to Dr Juliet McGrattan and Rachael Dennis for being rocks to me during the darkest of times, two incredible women who Florence is lucky to have as godmothers.

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