when your weight going up, is getting you down

Urgh, right now it feels like greater pressure- on top of weight pressures- to not be able to actually admit I’m feeling down about my weight going up!

Yes, I’m all for promoting positive body image and not feeling limited or confined to any sort of ‘ideal’ but I also want to be forthright and honest and say RIGHT NOW, right now, I’m not happy with my body, my weight and the way I look- and more so, the way this weight gain makes me feel.

I wasn’t sure whether to blog about how I feel but I don’t want anyone to feel they can’t be open or admit to not being happy with their weight for fear of others silencing their concerns. It’s not truthful or realistic to be positive about your body 24/7 and while yes we must work on self-confidence and not let body and perceived standards of beauty influence us, they inevitably will and do.

…OK so I’m not overweight probably (I don’t go in for that BMI nonsense so haven’t actually checked) but I do know that instead of being a usual UK 10 (6 in the US)-my ideal size for my build, I’m a size 12-I know it’s no biggie (pun intended) but size and weight is relative isn’t it and down to what feels right for the individual and having excess weight on my tummy (which never truly recovered from 2 sections) along with bigger arms and thighs makes me feel uncomfortable.

My clothes are tight and some of my most loved pieces just won’t fit-hello skinny jeans whose zip likes to keep zipping itself down. Nice.

My legs- my calves never seem to put weight on but in all honesty I’d much rather my arms stayed slimmed as they’re far harder to disguise in photographs. #Bloggerproblems hey.

We all have reasons why our weight fluctuates. Pregnancy, stress, illness, water retention, food intolerances and more. I’ve personally put on weight over these last few months due to a family member being ill- and I’m an emotional eater so biscuits, in the short term helped.

I won’t go into it as it’s not my story to tell but my whole family have had a tough time lately and eating what the hell I liked- topped with sciatica from dancing to Bieber with my kids (I know, shush)! put a stop to a lot of aerobic exercise for me which led to approx 9 lbs of weight gain and feeling a lit bit s***.

What has made me feel a little better was reading an interview with the gifted and truly exquisite Amanda Seyfried in Red Magazine this month where she admitted to her own body issues, ‘I’d like to say I have a healthy perspective on my body but I don’t. I know what too thin is, but I get really upset if I overeat or feel I’ve gained some weight. I know a lot of girls are like that, but they don’t talk about it’.

Wise words- and pretending we’re OK just makes everything worse in my opinion. I need to get it out on paper/the blog, chat to my husband about how I feel, have a cry- and then spur myself on to take action….

It’s not easy and while I love food as those who follow this blog know, I have had a tangled relationship with it over the years.

A skinny child, the puppy fat years came as a shock and were not kind (when are they) meaning I spent the ages between 10 and 12 pretty much HATING myself-mix that in with a cocktail of being at an all girls school and eyebrows like Carpet World samples and you end up with a self-hating young woman (which breaks my heart all over again admitting and is far from who I am now).

I must add that attitude aged 10 came about despite having feminist parents who never had ‘weight issues’ themselves or who placed any emphasis on how I nor my brother, looked. Oh and it was all pre-instagram days too. Silver linings and all that.

I hit 13 I became taller, slimmer and happier. Boys started to notice me and by the time I went off to uni at 19 I’d spent a good few years mostly feeling good in my skin.

Being on the pill during uni and discovering I had PCOS at 19 meant years of yo-yoing and the latter part of my first year at uni saw me struggle with an eating disorder if I’m entirely honest-binging (yet too scared to make myself sick) some days, then eating nothing on others.

Awful and something I hid so well from friends and family.

I spent a lot of my early twenties veering from one diet to the next and it was only when I met my then boyfriend, now husband, Peter, that I started to truly respect and value myself. I wish I could say it came from within but it was a lot to do with falling in love with my best friend and then myself.

He made me feel beautiful at any size- at my slimmest when I couldn’t eat properly for months due to tonsillitis then scarily, quincy- to my biggest post-babies. My obsession with weight really did fade over those years and take me to, today.

I’ve made peace with the fact PCOS makes me put on weight easily, that I will always have to watch what I eat. Water-retention in PMT is a nightmare too and can mean I put on 5 lbs or more pre-menstruation but I’ve had a long time to get used to this.

My consultant told me aged 19 that it would take me twice the effort to lose weight than someone without the PCOS so I should stick to a low GI diet and exercise my ass off (literally) and that’s what I’ve done for the majority of the time.

But now?

The pressure is still there to keep my weight consistent- more so I suppose because I’m public-facing as a blogger and vlogger (and stints on telly that add 10 lbs don’t help matters) but I know I have to work on being kinder to myself.

A perfectionist in my work, I want to try and look my best where possible. I embrace being imperfectly perfect but I don’t want to feel unhealthy or carry excess weight. No one does if they’re honest.

But you know what, even if I didn’t share my life and image right here, I’d still feel as bad about my body as I do right now, I know I would.

My number one priority is my health, to manage my PCOS- and feel fit for my kids as well as myself and YES I do want to look *whispers* my best because I want to feel CONFIDENT and HAPPY and rightly or wrongly, the way I look contributes to that. It really shouldn’t be a crime to feel or to admit that.

So I’m eating healthily, no fad diets, just a sustainably, mostly Mediterranean low GI or GL way of eating which isn’t too carb-heavy as advised to me by doctor and I’ve also started working out with a personal trainer-someone who can really push me on the exercise front. Thanks to my great pal Leigh from Headspace Perspective for inspiring me to start with a PT after many years of not working with one.

I don’t have crazy targets but losing half a stone in a month or so would be AMAZING.

Working with my trainer Louise at the start of the week really helps me to stick to eating well and also encourages me to work out solo more, throughout the week.

I refuse to feel crap about myself for one more minute so I’m taking control. We all deserve to feel our positive about ourselves- and I can’t pretend I do right now.

Thanks for reading, it feels good to have gotten this off my chest.

 

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Being Honest: When Your Weight Going Up Is Getting You Down - Honest Mum

 

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49 Responses

  1. Morgan Prince

    Oh Vicky I am so with you on this. I’ve been feeling very much the same as you, I’ve gained LOADS of weight. I’m talking 3 stones!!! It’s so easily done, you let the exercise slip, then you start to eat more food and before you know it you’re not fitting into clothes and feeling tired all the time. Weight issues always seem like they stem from the media but I think it’s really about how you feel inside. When you’re truly honest with yourself about how you feel you know what weight suited you best. For me that’s around 11st, I was happy and healthy and I had enough energy to run around after my 7 year old. Right now I’m feeling pretty crappy too but I’ve made changes to our eating habits and am monitoring our sugar intake. I’ve even swapped some of our sugary treats for apples!! I’ve managed to find some apples that the Hubby likes to eat and that’s great because then he’s not encouraging me to eat chocolate. That’s both of our downfall. Hopefully my weight will slowly start to reduce, I don’t want it to happen overnight but as long as I see progress I’ll be happy.
    Thank you so much for sharing this post Vicky, it really is lovely to read that I’m not alone in feeling this way. I AM sorry you feel this way and I hope that your training and watching what you eat helps. xxx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Oh darling, it’s so tough but it’s making that first change and as soon as you see results, it spurs you to keep going. I love the 80/20 rule so I follow low carb for most of the time but allow myself treats but I am mindful of limiting sugar. I know this works for me but the last few months have seen all that go out of the window with stress. We must be kind to ourselves. We can do it xxx

      Reply
  2. BecomeMum

    Thanks for an empowering post. I’m struggling with this mind set at the moment and am in particular trying to reconcile not being able to exercise due to post baby body stress even at 9 months postpartum. I admire your resolve and thank you for the honesty.
    BecomeMum recently posted…Rehoming family. Punk.My Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Please be kind to yourself, I know exactly how that feels and it’s so hard when your baby is so young, take baby steps-literally, there’s no rush OK xx

      Reply
  3. Sherry Proch

    Lord have mercy, you hit the nail on the head. I weigh the most ever even when pregnant times 3. And it SUCKS. I feel like I lost something by gaining. Menopause, inactivity and general malaise. So I’m walking a LOT and learning to be ok in this big body o mine. Thanks for your post.

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks Sherry, we must be kind to ourselves, we made babies, it changes our bodies. Walking is literally the best exercise xx

      Reply
  4. Juliet McGrattan

    I think it’s hard when you get caught in the downward spiral of stress and weight gain. It takes so much energy to turn it around, especially when there’s other stuff going on in life and the PCOS makes it doubly hard. If you can just stay focused and determined for a couple of months you’ll get back on track, feel more in control and the spiral will be upwards I promise. Lots of love Jx
    Juliet McGrattan recently posted…At The Running Awards With StravaMy Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks so much Juliet, this message was exactly what I needed to read today x
      Honest Mum recently posted…Wonderful Women Interview with Baroness Margaret McDonaghMy Profile

      Reply
  5. Helen

    As always, I admire your honesty and inspirational way of telling life how it is. Stress is such a hard time to get through at the best of times without feeling rubbish about yourself too- it really is about how you feel and only you know what the right weight is for you. Huge hugs xxxxx
    Helen recently posted…Marula Oil GiveawayMy Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you darling, your words mean a lot x
      Honest Mum recently posted…Wonderful Women Interview with Svetlana Dragayeva, Film Producer & Creator of BAFTA Winning VIRRY AppMy Profile

      Reply
  6. Jess Paerson

    VIcki, you have touched on what so many women feel – including me. I got in shape for my 40th yet only 6 weeks later I’m fed up again as have put on weight. The older I get the harder it is to maintain or lose weight and I just find it boring watching what I eat and not drinking my beloved prosecco. Metabolism is a cruel master. I think you always look great but it’s about how you feel too. I’m sure your PT sessions and healthy eating will get you back where you want to be physically and mentally. Take care hon xx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you darling and sorry to read you are feeling like I am-I am so bored of what feels like a relentless cycle of feeling OK, putting on weight, losing weight and so it continues. Thank you for your kind words, you always look great too, we need to be kinder to ourselves don’t we and you are right, the older we get, the harder it is. I need to remind myself I’m not 21 anymore-if only I’d appreciated how I looked then! x

      Reply
  7. Rosemary Rowe

    Bravo! What a very “honest Mum” you are. I can completely relate to what you say… I had to have a C section with DD and I’ve never completely lost my tummy, hey ho. However, keeping the weight off when you’re approaching 60 is a proper battle. I still care about how I look in my clothes, and want to be fit enough to play with baby grandson too in the future. Plus of course, hubby needs me to continue caring for him and it’s all pressure, isn’t it?
    Last year I bought the 5:2 Diet book by Kate Harrison because I wanted to research it properly. The health benefits, aswell as the fact that it is only 2 days a week of fasting, impressed me, as did the suggestions of what to eat and how to cope, and I tried it for 6 weeks before Christmas 2015. It works. It ain’t easy, but I felt better, I got back into my most loved clothes, and I had bundles of energy. My immune system has had a heck of a boost (I even had a wart on my finger vanish and that’s been there for more than 30 years! Hideous thing!) When I saw my GP in January she told me that it was due to boosting my immune system and to carry on doing what I was doing!
    I haven’t stuck to it rigidly, but it made me change a few things in my diet and lifestyle, so that’s positive. I’m going back to it though, as I’ve some tummy inches to lose and I’d like better hips and smaller “love handles” again. I’ll do it for 4 weeks and then go to 6:1…
    Sorry to ramble Vicki, but I thought this might encourage you to look at it, especially from the health benefits viewpoint. I also bought Kate’s Recipe book which helped enormously.
    Good luck, lovely – you’ll get through this xoxoxo

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks so much Rosemary, so glad you’ve found what works for you, I have tried the 5:2, when Alexander was a baby and recently too. I do feel I’m going to stick to a low carb (not no carb) way of eating and lots of exercise for now though. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement x

      Reply
  8. Tania @ Larger Family Life

    I felt much as you describe for the best part of the last decade – maybe more. Finally, in November last year, I decided to do something about it. By March I had finally lost three stones. I still have another to go but I feel much better in myself. The self-loathing I felt was awful but at the end of the day, the only person who could make that change was me. I regret having allowed my weight to creep up so much. It would have been far easier to get back on track when I was just a stone over but we are Greek and the love of food is strong! Still, hindsight is a wonderful thing and now it’s onwards and upwards… or inwards! Good luck with the personal trainer. I look forward to hearing how you get on.
    Tania @ Larger Family Life recently posted…5 Tips to Staying Organised with a Large FamilyMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Rainbowsaretoobeautiful

    I eat and the feel terrible about it. I stare in the mirror and am not happy. My tummy too didn’t do well after three kids, turns out I’m genetically made of the least stretchy skin ever and my stomach looks like a or dance survey map or weather system tattooed into a mill pink jelly. And this is there even when the weight is a bit down. It’s depressing but I’ve no time to deal with it so I just humpf and act surprised each time my hubby makes a move. It’s not ideal is it.

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Oh hun sorry to read this, I want us all to feel more confident, we deserve to but I also know how hard that is too, I made peace with my tummy a while ago and although it can appear ‘flat’ even in a bikini it never will be and that’s OK but I really do want to lose my excess weight because I miss my clothes and want to feel better about myself. Thank you for this comment lovely and I hope you see yourself how your husband does soon xx

      Reply
  10. Mirka Moore

    Oh darling. So sorry this makes you feel upset, and well down for sharing all above (some of it I had no idea!). As I mentioned the last time I saw you, you look great, but can understand that not being able to fit into some clothes or having them tight can make you feel upset, as I am exactly the same. Fantastic news about having a PT, shame we are not closer, would be your PT for sure. You are an incredible woman, my dear friend, and I do not like you being sad/upset. Unfortunately losing weight takes time, just keep on doing what you’re doing, and I am sure you will soon be back to your size xxxx love you

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you my darling, it’s the first time I’ve written or even admitted to past issues in this candid way before but I feel glad I have, I rarely talk about the past and would have mentioned to you because you are one of my closest friends-I do feel rubbish right now but I also feel a lot better sharing how I feel too. Thank you my love, I know things will improve, I’m dedicated to losing the weight x

      Reply
  11. Topfivemum

    Thanks for such a heartfelt post, in typical Honest Mum style! I’m 41 weeks pregnant and have put on about 20kg in pregnancy (as I did with my first) and I KNOW I’m going to hate how I look after giving birth. I know most women feel like that, and everyone will reassure me ‘oh but you’re a new mum,,, it’ll soon disappear…don’t be too hard on yourself’. But the fact is, I hate my thunder thighs and arms, and I swear I’ve developed jowels.

    I know it’s possible to lose it, and I have to accept that I comfort ate my way through pregnancy and I’ll soon have to deal with it. It took about nine months to lose all the baby weight last time and I’m going to have to find a way to love myself while I hit the healthy eating and exercise plan again. For me that means finding some new clothes that fit (albeit not my usual tighter fitting style), getting my hair and nails done. Basically acting AS IF I’m confident. Fake it till you make it!

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Aw I totally relate to this 100% and put on 2 1/2-3 stone with my pregnancies and it is tough after birth because you are exhausted with a baby and feel low in confidence with a body you don’t recognise. I’ve been there twice and it took me about 10 months to lose the baby weight the first time and a lot longer with my second. My tummy will never recover post 2 sections and I’ve made peace with that. I do think people are right though that you have to be kind to yourself-if there’s ever a positive reason to put on weight it’s carrying a baby and I hate all the post-pregnancy pressures we face and have blogged about many of them before. I love your attitude of doing things that will make you feel good. I can’t wait to hear your happy news, will you let me know when baby is here please. I am soooo broody right now but my husband isn’t! Thank you for leaving this comment x

      Reply
  12. Franglaise Mummy

    Oh lovely, reading this makes me want to send you huge hugs. It’s so good that you spoke up about this, as it’s an important subject that we don’t address enough – not feeling comfortable with our weight. Size 12 for one woman might be a dream come true, whilst for another woman it might feel like the end of the world. It’s all relative to what feels good for us. I think you look beautiful always, but hope you manage to find a way to lose the excess weight if that makes you happy. Much love xx
    Franglaise Mummy recently posted…The pain of missing family when you live abroadMy Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you darling and that’s so true and I don’t for one minute feel it’s a big or bad size to be, but I do have excess weight and I don’t feel fit and healthy for my frame and body. I love being hourglass but know I need to lose weight to be healthy first and foremost. Thank you for your wise words and friendship xx

      Reply
  13. Mrs Taylor

    I hear you loud and clear hun. I got married in Feb and was at a ‘happy weight’ for me. Since then I’ve piled on about 5/6 lbs ish and hate it. I have to be ‘in the right place’ to do something about it. I’m unable to drive at the moment so walking a lot which reminded me how easy it is to fit in some exercise.
    I hope you hit your target with your trainer. xx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks darling, it can be so tough can’t it and it’s not discussed enough I don’t think. Walking is brilliant exercise and we are walking more too. I’m loving working with my trainer, had another session today: boxing and it felt amazing xx

      Reply
  14. Bee

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I am happy with the STEPS that I am taking to create a healthier lifestyle choice for myself but my body is pretty much a sore point for me. As a teenager/early adult my figure was very much SKINNY. I have found it hard over the years to accept I now have have hips & 32FF boobs to boot. Where did it come from? You know the saying “I wish I was as fat as the first time I was fat!” well, that’s me!
    Bee | QueenBeady.com

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      I do know that saying and was thinking that looking at old photos of myself recently. I know all that matters is what we think of ourselves but you are truly gorgeous, with a beautiful face and figure. I feel ironically a weight lifted just by writing this and am touched by the comments, so thank you xx

      Reply
  15. Natalie Lee - Style Me Sunday

    A wonderful and honest post. Thank you for sharing. I think many of us have similar issues to what you’re describing. The relationship we have with our bodies is so complex. A great read Vicky thank you. and good luck with the training x

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks so much Natalie, you are spot on, we do have complex relationships with our bodies. I am loving the training, had another session today with lots of boxing, the emotional as well as physical benefits are amazing, I just want to feel better in my skin lovely xx

      Reply
  16. Ebabee

    So brave of you to post this and you are absolutely right. We need to feel right for ourselves and those extra pounds can get you down – they always get me down. I know you’re not supposed to feel that way but I think everyone does. I’ve put on weight in the last 6 months and even though outwardly I may look slim, I know I am about 5-6 kgs heavier than my ideal weight. But you are doing exactly the right thing – taking action. As with anything in life, there is no point wallowing in your troubles for too long. I am so proud of you for sharing this and for taking determined action to get yourself back to what feels right for you. You are always such an inspiration xxx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you darling Nomita, you know I’m going to say you look absolutely perfect but you are so right, it is about how we feel and what is right for us as individuals. Thank you for your words of support, they mean so much, I am so moved reading the comments here. Very lucky to have you in my life xxx

      Reply
  17. Elle

    Really proud of you for posting this hun, I can relate SO much but have been too scared to post. I was put on meds at the beginning of the year for Fibro and have put on (what the doctor described as) a significant amount of weight and even though I hated being really skinny, I feel so uncomfortable in my body. So long story short, I totally get how it’s making you feel down. You’re doing something about it though and that’s amazing. Either way, you look absolutely stunning!!

    Elle
    http://www.theellenextdoor.com
    xx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Oh Elle thank you for these words, I was so scared hitting publish but it’s made me feel so much better, just reading your comments and others-to know I’m not alone, you are utterly gorgeous Elle and look slim to me but I know that feeling, the feeling that we are not the right weight or body size for us and it really dents on confidence and it’s getting me down. I’m sorry to hear about the meds, can the doctor look at prescribing anything different for you, the worst thing is feeling like your body is going against you and I’ve felt this way for so long due to PCOS so totally understand where you are coming from, thank love for your kind words xx

      Reply
  18. Flying solo

    You look fabulous. But it’s not what others say that is important it’s how you feel about yourself that is important at whatever size that may be. I would love to be a size 12 again and that is my comfortable size ( currently a 16) iv had 2 slipped discs and been in agony for the last 12 months and have spent a lot of time on my bum or on my back, I’m not one for excuses despite that iv put more in my mouth than I should have. I find I eat more when I’m happy, so I tell myself if I’m fat I’m happy! But that in reality is a load of crap because who is fat and happy? My issue is sugar and Funnily enough just before I read this post I had a word with myself yesterday and decided to try and avoid it as much as possible. It’s harder to lose when your in your 40’s and now my back is improving I can get off my arse and start moving too! Great post

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thanks so much for this, I was reading lots on how awful sugar is for our health and heart just yesterday and as a family, although we don’t eat masses, we are limiting it. That and simple carbs are the worst. I do believe in moderation though so the odd slice of cake won’t hurt but like you I have eaten far too much and I’m a comforter eater so I need to stop leaning on food and use exercise to help me through stressful times. Thanks for your honesty, the response here and on FB shows me I am not alone and it’s been so encouraging. We can do it xx

      Reply
  19. Phoenicia

    Thank you for sharing something so personal. It is not always easy – especially for you, an established blogger and vlogger.

    I am a size 10/12 and am trying to stay mid way within my ideal weight range. I have cut right down on carbohydrates and do not eat bread. I also walk for an hour a day.

    Reply
  20. Colette

    I hear you on the “never fully recovered from C Sections tummy” – three sections in 4 yrs has really taken it’s toll on my tummy – I think I will always look pregnant.
    Colette recently posted…Am I really a MAD Blog Awards Finalist?!My Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      So hard isn’t it because they cut through muscle, I literally don’t think I will ever have a flat tummy and I’ve made peace with that-the kids are worth it. I do want to feel more confident with this body though and am determined to lose weight.

      Reply
  21. Angela at Daysinbed

    Great post. Weight gain can be difficult to cope with. I’ve always struggled with PCOS as well and it really does make losing weight hard. When I went on permanent steroid medication for my Adrenal failure I gained 6 stone in a matter of months and was devastated and now i’m slowly losing..down from 21.5 to just under 18 but I hear you.. you do have to work so hard to stay at the weight you want. Even after my recent operation and eating very few calories some weeks i still gain and it is truly difficult.

    Angela from Dayinbed x
    Angela at Daysinbed recently posted…A New Dog on the BlockMy Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Oh darling, you are going through so much and are so strong and an inspiration to us all, it is hard and demoralising especially when your body seems to work against you but we will get there, sending you love and strength xx

      Reply
  22. Leigh - Headspace Perspective

    Yay! You’re awesome lovely Vicki. So important to be open about our body confidence issues – we’ve all got them! Like you I comfort eat, and it becomes a vicious cycle. Good for you on getting a PT, done wonders for me not just physically but emotionally too. Lots of love xxx
    Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted…The Week That Was: April 24, 2016My Profile

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Thank you so much for inspiring me Leigh, just added that in the post now as meant to, thanks for being a great friend, so important we are honest so others don’t feel so alone, nor do we. You are doing amazingly xx

      Reply
  23. Amanda

    A lovely personal post Vicki that I’m sure will resonate with the majority of your readers, me included. As a skinny-ish girl who is frustratingly cursed with appalling cellulite and mummy tummy, I’m working with a PT too and cutting out the junk. What a difference it makes, feeling amazing and seeing little steady results too. Thanks for sharing xx

    Reply
    • Honest Mum

      Aw thank you darling and you are so right, it’s not about how slim you look but how you feel too and how healthy you want to be, thank you for this and for your friendship too, means a lot xx

      Reply

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