kindness

I want this post to be as positive as possible, really I do….But I write this with a frustratingly sore, burnt leg after I spilt a cup of boiling hot tea down myself- oh and over my poor laptop too, which has only just recovered from being swamped by water earlier this month enduring a trip to Google Android hospital- so the pain in my leg might just reveal itself in my words.

You see, I’ve witnessed some strange behaviour on, and offline recently, a sense of people being or becoming less tolerant and more unkind- sometimes to myself, and also to others.

Cattiness, indifference, passive aggressive behaviour that baffles me somewhat.

However, let me also state I’ve also seen great support, strength, kick ass friendship and such generosity in spirit from my readers, social media followers and family and friends, I feel touched and grateful for the love of my work so thank you.

I just wanted to share some thoughts on the darker side I suppose…

I’m lucky to surround myself with friends who truly get me, I work with gifted, strong, and caring women (and men) who are simply thriving in their fields, visionaries, go-getters, sisters (and brothers) who honestly never fail to support, inspire or amaze me.

And for the most part, I feel untouchable thanks to the strength of all of the above and an incredible husband and close family, but I’m human too, I’m creative, sensitive, too sensitive at times, hopefully always fair and caring- so I find school yard behaviour utterly bizarre and totally unnecessary.

I left the bitchy days of an all girls school behind me many years ago…

Look, thankfully negative incidences are far and few between but when they occur be it to me personally or others, they shock me to the core, as it’s usually adults with their own children who frankly should know better.

I’ve recently heard from mates in London feeling isolated and even bullied by mothers at the school gates, professional friends not being accepted in new work places as their skills threaten others, multi award winning filmmaking and actor friends being shunned by so called friends for their success- and I’ve seen nastiness online too.

What is going on?

To me life is simple, someone hurts you, (depending on the situation) discuss, try and resolve and give more chances (I know I’ve messed up many a time myself) and people are dealing with their own battles every day- but if someone consistently upsets you or your gut tells you something is off, walk away.

Of course, behave like an adult, retain your dignity at all times and hold your head up high.

Treat others how you want to be treated yourself.

You, and your worth does not depend on others’ opinions of you. No one’s. Be strong.

A pearl of wisdom my Mum says is that I’m special. We must remember that about ourselves.

…Realise and accept not everyone will be your best friend and that, that’s OK. Horses for courses as my Mum also says (gosh she’s one wise lady). You don’t, and cannot be close to all.

Try not to create or fuel drama, focus on the good, those who matter, your family, friends, your work, and use your time wisely. Be productive. Time is so precious, don’t waste it on pettiness nor on those who might be unprofessional, dismissive or unkind.

Relationships, friendships and even business partnerships work on chemistry-sometimes the science just won’t support the union.

Likewise, please be tolerant, people have bad days (I know I do-‘hi PMT’), you don’t have to agree with what others say or believe in their views (providing they are within the lawful). However healthy debate should be just that-healthy.

Now go do some good, spread kindness like confetti people, make someone’s day, give compliments freely (and to yourself), be compassionate, thoughtful, don’t judge, empathise,  and donate your time and money to those in need. You can honestly make a difference.

Most of all be nice, it’s really not that hard.

I’m off to find a frozen bag of peas for my leg.

Happy weekend!

Photo by Kirsty Mattsson Photography.

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48 Responses

  1. Karen

    You are so right, we are all grown ups and no need for rudeness or meanest. I hate any kind of nastiness, hope your leg is better. On another note I adore that dress, gorgeous photo xx

    Reply
  2. Katie @mummydaddyme

    You are spot on with this Vicki and it’s a way I have always tried to be myself. I stay clear of drama and bitchiness, preferring to have a small group of friends who I know will be there for me no matter what. I think that people are quick to judge, and that is sad. Thanks for writing this post, I needed it today. x

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Hope you are OK Katie, I am so big hearted and let so many people in but realised long ago we can’t possibly all click with everyone. You do right to stay away from drama, it’s how I like to live my life too. I love my great friend Uju’s advice, ‘Be cool, be kind, be you’ x

      Reply
  3. Mirka Moore @Kahanka @Fitness4Mamas

    Oh girl, you got me crying, hope your leg is fine now! We chatted about this loads when i was over at your place, and you are a wonderful person. Please do not worry about the people who envy your success. Love this post, your mum is a wise woman and you have taken after her! love you xxx Love “Treat others how you want to be treated yourself.” if only everyone followed this!
    Mirka Moore @Kahanka @Fitness4Mamas recently posted…Say Goodbye to Summer in StyleMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Thank you darling, you are such a great friend to me and in whatever world we work in, there will always be envy and jealousy and I suppose thick skins are needed. I’m a tough gal usually but we’re all human. Very lucky to have you in my life mama xx

      Reply
  4. Alex Gladwin

    Vicki, whenever and whatever you write I always sit here nodding my head in agreement with you. Your Mum is one wise lady, but you very much are too. xx

    Reply
  5. Caroline (Becoming a SAHM)

    Ouch! Hope your leg is ok… and your computer! Very well said and the world would be a much better place if everyone lived by these rules. I try and have a very much live and let live attitude and try to be kind. I have been on the receiving end of some nastiness in the past and it can take time to get over the hurt… but I would never retaliate or treat anyone the way they treated me. Anyway rambling now, great post as ever xx
    Caroline (Becoming a SAHM) recently posted…Stepping off the Merry-Go- Round, My New Approach to BloggingMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Caroline, I am so sorry you’ve been treated badly, been there myself and know what a knock it can be but never let anyone else win or change you as you say they haven’t. I too will keep being me, being kind and generous. Not rambling at all, lovely words. Leg a lot better now thanks. Banned myself from tea drinking by my laptop x

      Reply
  6. Mel

    Hope your leg is OK now my lovely. Your mum is one wise lady. I agree. Rather than fuelling arguments, talking (and when required, apologising) can often work wonders. That said, some people just want the drama. Just let them be. Let it go, let it go…
    Mel recently posted…Feature my Food Friday: Introducing Nath and her ‘Free From’ Fudgy Chocolate CakeMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Haha love that-I keep quoting Frozen too but it’s so bang on. I’m pretty good at being tolerant but when someone consistently tries to hurt me they are immediately cut out. The energy some spend trying to be unkind or back stab is baffling, focus on the positive and doing good. You are one in a million Mel, thanks for your kind words x

      Reply
  7. susankmann

    I hope your leg it ok. I don’t understand why anyone needs to be bitchy or catty. People should be nice, honest and kind always x
    susankmann recently posted…Playmobil City Action Coastguard Station And Life Raft ReviewMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      So true Susan, so much comes from insecurity doesn’t it, I do believe if people addresses issues they wouldn’t offload on others. You darling are a testament to your words, always so sweet and kind to all x

      Reply
  8. Alison Palmer

    Meanness should never be tolerated. I have a friend who is totally talented and giving and hardworking who is being under appreciated and disrespected at her job by small minded co-workers. It hurts me to see how she is being treated.
    Alison Palmer recently posted…Custom Maid Earns ARCSI Accreditation for Fourth YearMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      That’s awful Alison, sounds like a case of the green eyed monster. I hope she can speak to her bosses, no one should feel this way.

      Reply
  9. Uju @Babesabouttown

    Great post lady. Kindness is underrated and sadly devalued in today’s society. And tolerance I always find to be a tricky term because it has to cut in every direction and sometimes I find the most ‘liberal’ people actually quite intolerant of people who don’t believe and act and think like them. I’ll hold my hands up as having been guilty of this too, especially when I was younger and so open-minded in my thinking I really couldn’t understand why other people didn’t ‘get it’.

    Now I try harder to be more respectful of different perspectives, situations and also how to handle conflict with more positive outcomes than everybody trying to one up each other all the time. My mum had the heart of a lioness and would protect her cubs and those she loved fiercely but she was so utterly selfless in many ways (my dad too) and it’s given us a lot to live up to. What I learned from both my parents is simply be kind, be cool, be you 🙂

    Hope your leg’s better hon and don’t get me started on spills on laptops! Trust all’s working fine now? x
    Uju @Babesabouttown recently posted…London Kids Weekend Scoop (September 10-13, 2015)My Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Oh hun your words, the hairs on my arms are on end. Your parents sound like they were so amazing and I know that from how you are, you are utterly selfless, always see the good in everyone and are so strong. Love you girl x

      Reply
  10. Amy Treasure

    Needed this today 🙂
    Your mum is very wise and she has done a fantastic job at passing that wisdom down to you and empowering you with it, as you shall do for your children. I believe that is how our world is filled with nice people.
    The saddest thing when adults are unkind is if their children then pick up on all that nasty, negative and damaging behaviour and then an ever increasing circle of unhappiness and unkindness ensues. We should all lead by example; children and adults alike. Difficult to be perfect but not impossible to be courteous to others, even when in disagreement.
    Really sorry about your leg too, you could try putting some ‘heal gel’ for burns on it they sell it in Holland and Barrat and it’s marvellous stuff
    xxx
    Amy Treasure recently posted…Photo canvas from Snapfish video reviewMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Thank you darling, I have the sweetest parents and you are so right, we learn from example don’t we. You are a wonderful, kind and talented lady, I hope you know that. I agree too, it really isn’t hard to be kind, polite or to simply not say anything. Thanks for the tip on my leg, it’s a lot better although has blistered x

      Reply
  11. Livia

    Great topic! Everyone wants to make their point without hearing others. And kindness, where is it nowadays?
    Livia recently posted…Teaching EmpathyMy Profile

    Reply
  12. Attachment Mummy

    Really?!

    I presume this is in reference to me, so to clarify for you and your devotees, Vicki, here are the main points of the blog post I wrote:

    – It was about my opinions on the refugee crisis, and the tardy response to it from much of the western world.

    – It was about the inadequacies of western politics and big business, their part in creating and maintaining conflict, and calls for action against both.

    – It was provoked by a wide variety of social media action and reaction which was sparked by a photo of a little boy’s body on a beach. As I and many other commentators have said, much of that action, in its various forms, was disrespectful, ill-considered, and self-indulgent and/or self-serving. However, I do not doubt that for most people the choice to act, to do something, was heartfelt and sincere. (Competitive compassion has been covered in various academic studies, as well as by the media.)

    – It questioned the influence of social media on our lives and asks whether, because of that, we act to be seen as much as we act because we want to. I believe this is an interesting point of debate, and further blog posts on this theme may well follow.

    – It acknowledged that every action and donation by those affected by the crisis is worthwhile, but further action is always required. The author’s hope is that those who feel distraught by what they have seen and now know about the crisis, will continue to act and donate, and act and donate, again and again and again.

    Unfortunately, that post was then hijacked to be about 1 person and 1 campaign. It was not ever about that.

    I presume this kindness you speak of doesn’t apply in relation to the abuse I have received?

    And please do spare me your pity and what a dreadful, unhappy life I must have. Impertinent, discourteous, antagonistic, and wholly inaccurate.

    Reply
    • honestmum

      This was a general post on kindness @attachmentmummy, not a personal attack. I have experienced some unkindness online recently, and yes I did feel you shouldn’t have named Amy in your post and it seemed antagonist, unjust, personal and in parts unkind that detracted from your key points above. I welcome healthy debate and others’ opinions. I am so glad her and the others helped bring so many of us together who yes, like I had, had already donated but wanted to use our blogs for good and felt helpless. Again, this isn’t a personal attack on you although I was admittedly saddened and disappointment by your words but your post was only one part that contributed to me writing this. I was met by various negative comments regarding that important campaign and recently I have felt certain people in life and online have behaved badly and personally I have no time or space for that behaviour. This is my blog and platform to share my thoughts as you have on yours. I know nothing of your life nor do I presume anything about it either. All the best.

      Reply
  13. Lindsay @ Newcastle Family Life

    You are so right about this, I keep myself to myself online but I have noticed so much cattiness recently in blog world and real life world. It is such a shame as there really is no need for it at all. I hope that your leg is ok and the burn is not too bad xx
    Lindsay @ Newcastle Family Life recently posted…Slimming World : Week 19My Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Thanks Lindsay, it’s sad isn’t it, really hope people can be more positive, open and tolerant. Leg is so much better thanks x

      Reply
  14. Sian - Helpful Mum

    This is a wonderful post. I am disappointed by cattiness and bitchiness online. There really isn’t any need for it. I treat others as I would like to be treated. You are right, we shouldn’t value ourselves based on other people’s opinion of us. I learned this the hard way a few years back.
    Sian – Helpful Mum recently posted…Your YouTube #39My Profile

    Reply
  15. Sam

    Sorry to hear about your leg and computer Vicki! I think I’ve read this post just at the right time as I have been sitting here in tears wondering just what I did in a former life to make my next door neighbours so passive aggressive, dismissive and unkind to me. I have been having a hard time lately at home and yes, there has been shouting. My six year old is being a nightmare and my husband is a shift worker so I feel like a single mum often. I think you have put these thoughts in perspective though. Those people are not meant to be my friends, sad as that is, and I need to forget about them (albeit hearing them moving about or seeing them outside the house is inevitable). I know you were talking about other kinds of people and situations (I’m certainly aware of the furore lately within the blogging world) but this just spoke to me tonight so thank you Lovely. Xx
    Sam recently posted…On taking your wifi with you wherever you goMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      So sorry to read this, I’m baffled by how unthoughtful and unkind people can be. Empathy and understanding so often appears to escape others. I hope things get better with your neighbours. Maybe ignore them. Remember no one can hurt you unless you let them. You are lovely x

      Reply
  16. Nisha

    I really love this post and like you I’m so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends and we generally don’t bitch or gossip about people. If there’s an issue we talk to each other and try to sort it out or really try to see things from another persons perspective. After all life is way to short. I value my relationships over anything, so feel very lucky that I have good ones. I think from personal experience, people are negative (myself included) when they’re unhappy or dissatisfied with their own life. I love this quote by Socrates “strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people”. Bitching and being mean about others is so boring and a waste of life. Instead why not focus on how to make ours and other peoples lives better.

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Absolutely one of my most favourite quotes Nisha, you are so lucky to have a wonderful family and set of friends too, not sure what I’d do without mine. I really feel it’s so important to focus and spend time on spreading positivity and good x
      honestmum recently posted…The Importance of Being More Tolerant and KindMy Profile

      Reply
  17. Amber

    It’s just so disappointing, isn’t it. I don’t think that I expect too much from adultkind; just a sense of decency and kindness, consideration and respect for others. It’s not difficult – in fact, it’s EASIER than nastiness, which does require some invention on one’s part most of the time.

    I wish that we would all make an effort to put ourselves in the right mindset to be kind because once you’re there, it’s effortless. And we can achieve so much more, together and individually, when we’re not wasting our energy on the wrong things.

    Hugs to you. Hope that your leg feels better soon.
    Amber recently posted…A Love Letter to YouMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      I always say this-that negativity and envy requires so much energy, why don’t people focus on being positive. You are so wise, love that, the more you practice mindfulness and being positive and kind, the more effortless it is. It’s the default mode x
      honestmum recently posted…The Importance of Being More Tolerant and KindMy Profile

      Reply
  18. Karen (@karenjwhitlock)

    Wise words lovely lady. As a teacher of teenagers I feel utterly perplexed by people who don’t seem to have grown up since the school playground. Unfortunately, in my experience once people get into this mind-set of nastiness – spiteful behaviour fuled by jealousy, it becomes harder and harder for them to get out of this.
    Karen (@karenjwhitlock) recently posted…Sleeping BeautiesMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      So tough isn’t it, I refuse to believe it’s women’s default mode too because I have the most amazing sisterly, strong women in my life but it saddens me when I witness it or am on the receiving end x
      honestmum recently posted…The Importance of Being More Tolerant and KindMy Profile

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  19. Ebabee

    You are so right – agree with every word and so well put. My mum always taught us that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all and I think more people should learn this. I don’t get why people feel the need to be bitchy and nasty – but in the end I do believe it’s a reflection of them rather than the person they are being nasty to. In the online world it’s sometimes even worse – people do and say things that they would never dare to in person. Again this screams cowardice to me. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind or at the very least to walk away so I wish more people did this. Fab post and I hope lots of people read it and change their ways if they need to. xxx
    Ebabee recently posted…Autumn 2015 has arrived in the ebabee shopMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      So true, just not adding or creating drama is so important isn’t it. You are such a pure hearted, amazing woman Nomita, an incredible, strong role model to your daughter. I feel so lucky to have you as a friend x
      honestmum recently posted…The Importance of Being More Tolerant and KindMy Profile

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  20. Mama and More aka Zaz

    You are so so right my darling friend! I’ve always lived by and teach my children the mantras – “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!” And “treat others as you wish to be treated”. These things are so simple, why do people complicate things? I genuinely believe that it requires far more energy to be nasty, than it does to be kind and to be nice, not to mention the negative karma you whip up and leave to circulate until it inevitably comes back to you. I’ve noticed a lot of this nastiness too, felt some myself, but honestly feel vast amounts of pity for those who are so insecure and negative that they seek to push others down to increase their superiority. Long may kindness reign, and even more, random acts of kindness (I rarely go to the supermarket without buying a small bunch of flowers to leave under someone’s windscreen with a note to wish them a lovely day), we all love a simple compliment from a stranger, a kind word, a hand with the shopping, and it all makes the world a better place. Wonderful post hon xxx
    Mama and More aka Zaz recently posted…All About You link party – ChoicesMy Profile

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Oh Zaz you are one incredible lady, so lucky to have you as a friend, I love random acts of kindness too and you’ve reminded me to do it more often. Can you imagine the happiness of the recipient. I love how mindful you are and this year has been about me becoming more mindful too, of how I think, act, eat and do. It’s so important we put out goodness. I, like you pity those consumed with such self-doubt and envy. I wish them happiness. Thanks for this wonderful comment and being you xx

      Reply
    • Wave to Mummy

      This is such a wonderful thing to do, loving Zaz’s kind and thoughtful nature. How wonderful it must be to find something unexpected like that as a little gift 🙂

      Great post too, I always find negativity in people so disappointing. Surely your life is better and more fun if you try to be positive an nice to others. I know I ain’t perfect, but I try my best to be friendly and see the good in others. I hope that will help reflect the good in myself as well.
      Wave to Mummy recently posted…A year of toddler outfit postsMy Profile

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      • honestmum

        Oh you are such a lovely lady, and so is Zaz, so thoughtful and sweet. I always think there’s a better way to deal with issues and we all have bad days, of course we do and are human but when we eff up we need to hold our hands up and say sorry. I do feel positivity breeds positivity too 🙂

  21. Ghostwritermummy

    Yes! I never understand why people can’t just let other people be. I’ve been on the receiving end too and it’s really awful. But also sad. What kind of a miserable life must you leave if you go around needing an argument to make your day? How bitter and vile must you be to want to hurt others just so that you can feel better? Ugh. Ignore then, rise above and carry on. Hope your leg feels better soon x x x

    Reply
    • honestmum

      Absolutely darling, and they feed off the drama they create and end up feeling so much worse. Sending out healing and good vibes to those who are not in a happy place and behave in this way. Thanks for being so lovely and for this wise comment xx

      Reply
  22. The Intolerant Gourmand

    Wise words from a lovely lady!
    You are so right!! I’ve noticed this too! People are so very quick to judge, without looking at the bigger picture, and it can often seem quite intimidating!
    Life is too short for the dramas that people create around themselves, and like you, I’d rather look for the good in people and in life, and enjoy what is all around us and our family and friends!
    Wishing you a fab weekend without negativity or drama, and fingers crossed for a quickly healed leg, and a quickly recovered laptop!! x

    Reply
  23. Notmyyearoff

    Oh my gosh, too right!!! There has definitely bee an increase in things like this and I hate it. I get the feeling it’s fed by their own insecurities and they try to leap in their first as almost a defence mechanism. I actually never know what to say when people behave nastily like this because it’s a bit baffling. Whyyyyy do it and what’s the need, everyone should just be polite and stop it at once. Lots more hugging is needed. I also came to the conclusion that I’m just going to tell people to stop being nasty if I encounter it instead of trying to ignore it and then letting it play on my mind. In a very polite way of course, and without being teary 🙂

    Reply
    • honestmum

      I really like that way of thinking hun- ditto, no need for nastiness, so banal. I get that not everyone can possibly understand or like one another, and I’m a big believer of cutting out negativity in life, it’s just not worth it. Keep being your lovely self, you rock x

      Reply

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